Depression reminds me of the ocean,
One minute you could be smoothly floating across the steady ocean, small currents as it carries you softly across an open shoreline
Suddenly, you can be caught in a riptide. A never ending riptide that drags you further and further away from civilization, away from the people who care about you – as they cannot reach you.
Riptide defining as isolation.
As you're being dragged under the water, your lungs fill with water trying to pull yourself up or scream for someone. Trying to swim in the opposite direction, the riptide drags you back in as your body grows to exhaustion.
Feeling alone, waves now drag me up and down-feeling my stomach move up then fall back down with them. My body grows numb, feeling the sudden set of sadness.
Departure from any people, feeling abandoned as the constant silence never ends.
Being pushed under water reminds me of the voices that throw my body into shivers of anxiety as I listen to them.
The pains in my chest become normal, the body aches have become a routine to happen when I move, and the constant reminder from those voices; You're alone, they don't want to help you anymore.
The constant thought of, why am I alive?
Depression becomes a part of you, like a leech that cannot be removed. Medication, therapy, the constant reassurance they love you.
Those thoughts don't end, hearing these things from you,
'I am always a phone call away,' it's never easy to call you.
'You can talk to me if you need too' I always feel as if you hate me for reasons that only my depression can speak.
'Please get help,' I do need help, I know I do. But trying to tell myself it's okay to call a psychologist or therapist, is trying to break down a steel door with your flip flops.
'I don't know how to help you anymore,' No one does, depression is an endless pit of feeling numb. You feel alone in a crowd, you start to enjoy the isolation, you forget how to speak for your emotions and breakdown sobbing instead. Being asked if I'm okay, becomes an impossible math question to even comprehend.
You become trapped in this void, an indescribable void that keeps dragging you farther and farther into it. As you lay helplessly in its mouth, as it swallows the voices of your family and friends reminding you of beautiful things, reaching out arms to you as the voids shadow wraps itself around you.
I feel trapped in this repeating cycle, realizing how painful it is just to get out of bed, how hard it is to smile at something that used to make me laugh till my stomach hurt, how hard it is to tell everybody 'Oh no I'm fine, just tired,' tasks that used to feel normal become difficult.
I start to lose control of myself, my mind and my emotions. I start to blow off showering, brushing my hair, replying to anyone, talking, leaving the couch, washing dishes, even brushing my own teeth. These tasks become a bridge that stretches for miles – a bridge to nowhere as I just sink into the couch more. The voices grow louder as the silence from the TV grows, I start to think.
Thinking feels dangerous when I have a mix between depression and anxiety, having even one simple thought can turn into a god damn life story on why I shouldn't have said that, done that, met that person, texted that person, a life story on why I should keep to myself. Your feelings become mixed, sometimes I forget my own boyfriend loves me, my mom wants the best for me, and my dad reminding me that he's always there for me, and my brother cracking jokes and busting my stones when it feels like it's inflicting pain. I become sensitive, overwhelmed and then snap. Words fly out of my head into a phone, out of my mouth, and I can't stop it. Emotions flood as the dam to help process them broke so long ago, it's hard to think before it all pours out.
Friendships become harder to hold, as I bring myself to reach out to you-those voices start yelling.
Don't do that, they won't answer,
They don't want to talk to you,
You're a burden to them,
You talk about the same issue you can't resolve for months,
You're getting annoying,
Maybe you should back off,
They'll get sick of you being depressed all the time.
You're bothering them
Anxiety, the voices of her make my head throb and put the phone down. Lay down back in her shell as it strains my body, the aches becoming more noticeable as I lay helplessly. Depression takes the reins as it reminds me, they're better off without you dragging them down.
Mom, I'm sorry I can't explain to you why I feel like this. Words become harder to form as my emotions have no halting point, so I just break down and cry instead. Please be patient with me, I know I have many tasks to get done and focus on. I love you mom, I'm trying my hardest to help myself and you, now that we live alone and have more bills to pay. It becomes overwhelming, now with added on thoughts that sit in my head for weeks to months, as you tell me to move on from it-I can't. I'm sorry that my emotions change so quickly, that I become so depressed I can't talk or move. It's so hard to function normally, it's hard to wake up and know we aren't living in the same house anymore. I miss dad, I miss Zac, the pups, cats, and my room that sat in the basement where I had my own space. My dreams are to move away, to live in a place with life and lights, busy streets and people with big dreams that reach as high as mine. This place isn't meant for me, and I feel it's become a prominent part of my depression. Being trapped in rural town, zero opportunities, low paying jobs with shit management. To feel free in an urban place, where it's constantly busy with somewhere new to go every day, that's what I lunge for. It's hard to tell you this, that I'm unhappy here and want to move farther away-because I know your job is what we're relying on now. I'm trying to be happy where I am currently, to push through my job so we can have food in the house and not fall behind on rent. I love you, I'm sorry.
Friends, I'm sorry I can't express how I feel to you sometimes. I'm sorry I cancel plans or have trouble holding conversations with you. Feeling as if I'm drowning from the overwhelming thought that you don't need me, or have gotten sick of seeing my name on your phone or my voice when we see each other in person. I'm sorry I cling onto you, whether it be obvious or not. Sometimes I feel alone, and I hold onto the very few people who might still stick around or actually think of me once in a while. Depression is hard to explain, it's hard to combined words and put my thoughts, feelings and confidence into sending you what exactly is going through my head. I'm sorry I seem distant, or too close, my mind makes portray as if I'm drifting too far away and need to reach back out when I haven't nearly drifted away. I do care about you, love you and forever will be grateful to have you in my life. I am trying to recover, and find my space as well as learn yours.
