Humans are naturally social beings, and friendship is a crucial part of our development, especially in adolescence and emerging adulthood (I just had a developmental psych final -- can you tell?). However, the benefits of friendship rely on the quality of one's friends. As we grow, especially when entering high school and college, we can get lost and end up giving our time to people who, frankly, do not deserve it. Few situations sadden me as much as seeing a beautiful soul dragged down by poisonous "friends," so here are my thoughts on what it means to be a friend and to foster a healthy friendship.
First, a friend should be someone around whom you can be freely and shamelessly yourself. Do not waste time and energy with people who do not accept you as you are or try to turn you into someone else. A friend embraces you as you are, flaws and all, and would never want to change that. Genuine friendship is a judgment-free zone.
Moreover, a friend should never make you feel uncomfortable or insecure. Sure, they will try to push you out of your comfort zone but only in healthy ways and with the intention of your best interests. When "friends" know your insecurities and repeatedly point them out and poke at them, that is a major red flag. No real friend will take advantage of a friend's insecurities or do anything to make her feel inferior. Rather, a real friend will boost you up and only address your insecurities in healthy ways with the intention of overcoming them, not intensifying them.
Furthermore, to be a friend means to be loyal. Friendship is a commitment that needs to be honored, in one way or another. For one, when you and your friend have made plans, you do not cancel on them the day of or at the last minute unless it is something truly important, like some sort of emergency or if you are stuck sick in bed, etc. If you get called in to work or for such an obligation, your friend will understand. Otherwise, there is no excuse -- it is simply rude to cancel standing plans for someone else or because you just do not want to follow through when the time comes.
That being said, in any sort of relationship or interaction, communication is always key. Seriously. Of course, you do not have to be in constant contact with your friend, but keep them updated, especially in situations as described above, so that you keep each other in the loop. Furthermore, it is crucial to understand that, if you have a problem with your friend, you need to sit down and approach your friend about it directly -- not to a different friend or other third party, but directly to that friend with whom you have an issue. As friends, you will be able to address, discuss and work on it together, and you will remain on the same page. If I have a problem with Sally's tendency to take without asking, talking to Hannah about it will change nothing. I have to talk to Sally about Sally's behavior so that it can be corrected. Again, as friends, Sally and I should be able to address it and try to work it out together.
All of this considered, no friendship is perfect -- nothing in this world is. There will always be downs among the ups, and willingness to work through those rough patches, no matter how painful or difficult they may be, demonstrates that you value the friendship and are dedicated to doing what is necessary to maintain it. Personally, I had such an experience in a friendship that had always been generally happy and bright but soon was met with a recurring issue. Sick of the tension, my friend and I committed to having a discussion about it, which honestly strained both of us emotionally and crushed us for a few days (which also served as an indicator of how much we mean to each other, as we were upset but hated not talking to one another). We kept working at it until we reached a resolution, and we are still as close as ever, and that issue has not come up again since. Such conflicts have become testaments to the strength and resiliency of our friendship, and such a friendship is always worth fighting for.
In short, follow your instinct when it comes to friends. Be open with your friends about your concerns and work through the bumps in your friendship. If you surround yourself with people who constantly make you feel insecure or try to manipulate you or change you, it might be time to reevaluate your "friends." If you have not found "your people" yet, you will. Just explore your interests and be open, because you never know where you will find a friend. Finally, never settle. Ever. You are far too incredible to resign yourself to people who do not appreciate you.
