In our lives we will all suffer from an unfathomable amount of heartache. I’ve had my fair share of it as well. The most devastating heartbreak I’ve ever had to live through was when the woman who I thought was my best friend broke my heart.

It didn’t happen all at once, like the break up of a relationship. We didn’t drift apart and formally break up over a conversation in a coffee shop. There was no final discussion, closure, returning of each other’s things. We just weren’t us anymore. I couldn’t go to her for advice. I couldn’t Facetime her to complain about my roommate. She didn’t call me when her family drove her insane. We stopped tagging each other in facebook posts. There were no more instagrams about how much we missed each other. Eventually, we weren’t even texting to meet up when we were on breaks.

But I didn’t want to give up on her. She was my best friend all four years of high school. There were points when she was all that I had. She was the only one who could make me laugh when I was crying. Our love story started the first day of biology when she warned me not to sit next to the smelly kid. From that day forward she was my best friend. We would talk on Facetime for hours every night. We would share a bunk on class camping trips. We walked hand in hand with our diplomas after graduation.

Then college came and as it does for so many couples, it tried to break us apart. But we were best friends and that was unacceptable. She blew me off a couple of times when I asked to hang out. She never initiated conversation and she never seemed to actually want to talk to me. Eventually I couldn’t stand the idea that my best friend didn’t care about me anymore so I lost it. I told her she was being selfish. I said that if she didn’t want to be in my life anymore she could at least have the decency to tell me why. I begged her to formally “break up” with me.

We realized that we weren’t ready to give up on such a beautiful friendship and for a while things were normal. We were talking all the time. We texted highlights of our weekend shenanigans. She was my go-to again. And then I guess we both got busy. Occasionally I would try to reach out. Holidays, when something made me think of her, just to say hi. The conversation would usually consist of three or four messages before she stopped answering, making my stomach drop just a little bit each time. A month or two went by and we hadn’t talked at all. She posted a snapchat one day and I chatted her to make small talk and joke about it.

Maybe it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but to me, it was the end of the world when she said “yeah, anyway I hope you’re well”. She ignored my joke, mind you it wasn’t very funny. But she wished me well… it was cold and polite. I felt like I was talking to an acquaintance or even a stranger. She became someone who I used to know. I sat, staring at my phone for a while. I wasn’t really thinking anything, just hurting. I felt like my heart broke in half. Like she stole a part of it. Because this was it. This was the end of us, the end of our friendship. Up until that I had still envisioned her standing next to me at my wedding.

It was like being in a relationship for six years and then realizing that the person had no interest in ever seeing you again. She never said anything, neither of us did anything. It was just over. My heart was broken.

Here’s the thing though, I deserve better than to chase after someone who doesn’t want to be in my life. I want a best friend who asks me how I’m doing instead of hoping that I’m well. I’ve learned that there’s no such thing as a “best friend forever” People grow and they grow apart as a result. So she broke my heart but it was for the best, as is any broken relationship.