We all know someone who cringes when a compliment is given to them. No, I don’t mean a faux-humble Oh stop. I mean the friend who gets really uncomfortable when you say even the slightest positive thing to them because they can’t help but feel that what you’re saying isn’t real and that you’re just being nice. Or fake. So they wave it away, change the subject, and you’re left feeling a variety of emotions.

To that friend, this is for you.

First of all, you should know that you are incredibly dear to me. I hope that you’re reading this alone right now so you can’t think I have any ulterior motive than to simply tell you this truth. You may be embarrassed, you may be annoyed, but you are incredible. We wouldn’t be friends if I didn’t think this.

It took me a while to understand this side of you, and I still don’t fully understand. I wish I knew why you become irritated the instant I tell you that you are the strongest or the kindest or the prettiest or the most athletic person I know. I also wish that your irritation wouldn’t immediately conjure up feelings of annoyance in me. But I’m still learning.

Originally, I wondered if you were trying to be faux-humble. Maybe you liked the compliments and thought that pretending to be angry about receiving them would keep them coming. But that doesn’t sound like you, so I kept searching.

Then I wondered if you were just uncomfortable, in which case I would need to compliment you more so that you would understand it isn’t just words that I say but truth. And I tried this for a time, telling you every time you did something how proud I was of you. But I began to feel like your mother, which made neither of us happy.

And maybe that’s where it clicked. Unfortunately, when I feel insecure, my mom’s compliments and encouragements feel more like lies than truth, as well. I’ll shrug off the times she says I look pretty or that I did well on an assignment and instead obsess over everything that isn’t right, isn’t perfect. Her kindness feels like an attack and, as unfair as it is, I rarely believe the nice things she says to me.

Perhaps it’s because we know they love us that we do not believe what our mothers say. Aren’t they supposed to say these things? They are our mothers, after all.

And our friends, isn’t it the same situation? We’ve all had those friends who can be awful to us, and not in a blunt way but in a mean way. Those friends aren’t good to keep around because they only make us feel bad about ourselves. The friends you want to keep are the friends who will help you become a better person but will still highlight what you do well.

The biggest critics in our lives are ourselves, so no one wants to have friendships that are yet another source of negativity.

But, my dear friend who cannot accept a compliment if their life depended on it, you need to know how much I love you. The things you do not like about yourself, the things you are struggling with, present themselves differently to me.

If you think you are overweight and are trying to go the gym and eat better, it would be natural for you to think that one skipped gym day or indulgence is a failure. But do you know what I see?

I see those days of saying no to the sweets that I constantly reach for. I see your perseverance in going to the gym after work even when you’re dead tired. It’s your ability to do these things that pushes me to try harder in the areas I want to work on. You see failure, but I see hard work. I see inspiration.

There are going to be things that I never understand, whether or not you explain them to me, because I am not you. Likewise, there will be areas of my life that you don’t understand, either, because you aren’t me.

I’m not telling you to learn to accept a compliment or fake-smile your way through one so that I can feel like a good friend. Rather, I’m telling you that if a compliment does slip out (and slip out is the phrase I am using because I am going to try to be more aware of your needs), reflect on why I said it. If I call you strong, don’t immediately think I’m saying you’re weak. I’m your friend. Let me be your friend.

On my side of things, I’m still trying to understand. I am also trying to do better at honoring what you need in a friendship, which may be more of an ear than a fan. If we both work at it, we should be able to feel the irritation and confusion fade away and develop into an even stronger and deeper friendship. One built on understanding and trust.

That’s all I want for you. For us.