"Think of the good times," "Weren't you guys the bestest of friends?" "Don't you regret how you're not friends anymore?"
My response to such comments will always be, "I don't care."
A person came into my life during my sophomore year. They were both exciting and aggravating. Hanging out with that person brought so much joy into my life but it also sucked out the life in me. We had the best of times and worst of times. I shared my deepest fears and insecurities with this person. I don't know if I ever considered this person my best friend, but they were surely my closest friend.
I didn't know if whatever I told them would always be kept a secret but at least I knew that I would never be judged. I guess our twisted perception of justice and culture was what bonded us so close together in the first place. If I said something bad, I knew they would say something worse and that sense of camaraderie made my classmates think that we had interchangeable personalities. As outrageous as I was, so was my ex-"best friend". Our personalities amplified each other in this cycle of positive feedback. Between us, a single negative comment could turn into a whole tirade of nonsense filled with hatred.
So how does a friendship like this come to ruins? I guess it was also the mutual disrespect we had for each other. If I were to rank all the entities in this world in the order of chaos, my friendship with this person would probably be at the top. The friendship was volatile, aggressive and unpredictable.
One moment we could be laughing our asses off at the stupidest thing, and in the next moment, we would be in a screaming match in the middle of the streets. The friendship could even be likened to that of an abusive relationship. The good times you have with this person seem to magically erase all the bad shit he/she had ever done to you--that's what it felt like with this ex-friend.
We went through this non-ending cycle for all of four years until we came to college (yes, I went to the same college as my ex-"friend"). Looking back, there still was hope to revive the friendship I had with them; but, all of that hope was squashed into the eternities of hell when all the secrets I had poured my heart into was used against me.
I feel like with any former friendship, both parties always keep a line of boundaries out of respect for the so called "good times." But, it seemed that this person just didn't see as much value in those good times as I did, for they completely ignored whatever memories we had together and flung the trust I gave them like a bag of shit right into my face—that was the final straw for me.
We fought a lot and we always made up but hearing such words directed at me—words that were so hard for me to speak out loud, caused me to see the truth of our friendship. I didn't mean anything to them. I was just someone they had fun with but they had no respect towards me nor did they see any worth or value in the friendship we had once had, so why was I trying to revive it?
Our fight made both of our first years at college a nightmare. Whisperings about our altercation always seemed to circle me wherever I went and I just couldn't get this person out of my life no matter what I did.
Whether it be church or after school activities, everyone seemed to know about our fight and everyone had an opinion on it. Soon it wasn't just me who was affected, but anyone who hung out with either of us. Looking back, it's really ridiculous that a high school fight followed me all the way to college. I was miserable and I became so paranoid about what strangers thought about me. Basically, for the first semester, I focused all my attention to my surroundings and did horribly in my classes.
I like to think that my horrible GPA was what motioned me into indifference. Some time during my second semester at college, I just stopped giving a shit about the fight. I learned to be my own person without the fight defining me as it did during my first semester. I found people who were supportive and learned to look past the preconceived notions that my ex-friend had spread about me. They helped me to come out of the toxicity that I was trapped by and now, I feel so much better.
So, to the reader who might be in a similar situation as me, ask yourself, what is holding you to this friendship? For me, it was fear—fear of having the toxicity of my ex-friend directed towards me. I was scared of their threats, their emotional insensitivity, their ability to conjure up the most believable lies (the list goes on).
And clearly, my fear wasn't for nothing because the aftermath of our argument was exactly what I expected and was afraid of. Still, I don't regret it because I became stronger as a person and have definitely gained a better understanding of people.
Just take a deep look at the "friendship" you have and see if there's anything concrete or substantial worth holding onto because fear is a dumb reason to stay friends with anyone. We are all given one shot at this thing called life and for whatever reason, life throws the shittiest people in our way. It's up to us as to how to deal with those people.
It might take days, months or even years to extricate yourself from the vice grip of that person, but just remember that your happiness is what's the most important at the end of the day, and if you care about it enough, you'll make sure your happiness comes to fruition.