To The Friend I Didn't Have Enough Time With

Dear Sweet Friend,

We're coming up on our third year without you here on earth and I have a few things I want you to know.

First, you are still so loved here. You are still one of the best things to happen to those who were privileged enough to know you. Each one of your old friends carries your sweet spirit with them into every new space we walk and in that way you are walking right along with us. I love you so stinking much girl and I always will.

Second, I really wish my college friends knew you. I found myself talking with one of my new sisters and mid-story I stopped and realized she had no idea who you were or how great a loss we all suffered when you passed. I felt more alone in that moment than I did any other time in my first semester.

Later I was telling another friend about the time we went to the farmer’s market across town in our pj’s and she asked where you were in school, I couldn’t bring myself to answer completely so in that moment I told her you weren’t in school right now. It was strange but kind of nice to imagine you had only taken a gap year and would be headed off on a new adventure next fall. That was short-lived though when more questions were asked and I had to explain you weren’t going to college. I had to explain you couldn’t go to college because you were gone.

Third, It doesn’t matter how hard it is to remember, I’m so glad that I do. It doesn't matter how many times I feel that nagging lump in my throat when I think I see your curly hair bouncing along in a crowd, I’d take that feeling over having never known you to begin with any day.

Fourth, Sometimes I wonder if you hear all the things I tell you. I tell you all about school, work, family, and my adventures. Sometimes I catch you up on things when I'm driving for a while or when I'm in a quiet Bible study time.

Other times it's just when I need you to know about a weird tweet I just saw. Most times I wonder if I’m just speaking into a void, but other times I can sense you so near to me. I don’t know which of the feelings to trust.

Lastly, I’m actually really happy. I’m so content with where my life is right now and I desperately want you to know that. Right before you passed, I was in the middle of a hard season and was struggling with one of the biggest decisions I’ve ever had to make. I wish you could have seen how well God made things once I broke down and trusted him. Our talks and your friendship were pivotal in where my life has gone. The only thing I could ask of the Lord in this moment would be to have you back with me to enjoy it all.


A friend who will never forget

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