At 1am the truth comes out and I can't fall asleep because I fucking miss you.

This week has been hard on me, not because I’ve been swamped with homework or midterms, but because I haven’t. And when I spend less time doing work, I have more time to think. And think. And think.

About what’s really been on my mind for a while; I was just pushing this thought away, distracting myself with academics and extracurriculars, so I wouldn’t hurt as much.

I miss you. Desperately and completely. I miss you.

I miss you making jokes about my vegan diet every time we eat food but you secretly admiring my wholehearted dedication. I miss our sarcastic comments and your ability to banter back with zero hesitation because that is us. I miss you arguing with me for half an hour on why going to space is a million times better than traveling to the bottom of the ocean. I miss us running to the Cellar 5 minutes before it closes for midnight snacks and then staying up another hour just talking, even though we both have 8ams the next morning.

I'm hungry for love, fucking famished. Craving the parts of you that keep me laughing and living, whole and complete.

How can it be that just 2 weeks ago I felt so close to you?

And now, every day that passes, I’m seeing faces and talking to people who aren’t you but wishing they were you.

And I'm saying all this now because I'm about to go to sleep where there's always the possibility that I won't wake up. (You know how much death is a constant theme in my mind. I live in the present.)

I am breaking slowly, cracking at the edges.

By the time you get around to texting me maybe (or maybe not, you're unpredictable and predictable at the same time) in 2 weeks when all your midterms are over or you feel like making the effort to see someone who isn't convenient, I might not be here. (A lot can happen in 2 weeks.)

Either I'll be gone from the circles I used to run in, or maybe I'll be here, but I won't want to see you because I'll think, where were you when I needed you most?

Which would be worse?

I don’t want to guilt you into spending more time with me, and I’m not saying that your time spent studying for academics or your personal “me” time isn’t valuable. It is.

But.

Friendship requires the effort of two people, and honestly, I’m just tired of being the one who always asks you to meet up for lunch, hang out, or suggest that we go to an event.

I’m tired of sending you texts that you’re not going to respond to and hearing “sorry” and “maybe next time.”

I’m the kind of person who feels deeply and wants meaningful relationships. I'd rather have a group of people I see everyday, that I know I can trust and confide in, instead of a few friends who I see every once in a while that I'm unsure I can depend on.

And I know you're busy, but so am I. Babe, don't you realize we were all born busy, that we're all composers of our own free time?

I'm just willing to give you some of mine.

But hourglasses don’t run forever. And this one's nearly finished.