Us parents always do the best we can, and it’s important to remember that that will always be enough. However, it really doesn’t matter how hard we try, we are going to miss a few things here and there (hindsight is 20/20 and such…) The last thing we want to do is hold our kids back in any way, but with society pushing and pulling on them from every direction, we don’t always see the harm in the mundane. I thought I’d share a few things that I missed the first time around and had to learn the hard way so that hopefully, you don’t have to.
Not-So-Great Expectations
Someone very wise (not Shakespeare, apparently) once said that, “expectation is the root of all suffering.” When you get down to it, it really is a core truth. While it’s important (and healthy) to have expectations for your children, like contributing to housework and the wellbeing of the family, there are other types of expectations that can be incredibly harmful--some that we don’t even notice because they’re so conventional.
One of the most overlooked sources of harmful expectations for our children is in societally constructed gender norms. It wasn't until my friend was looking for a play kitchen for her daughter that I realized how bad it was. She looked everywhere, in town and online, and couldn't find a single play kitchen that wasn't pink and purple or extremely girly. Play kitchens aren’t cheap, and she wanted to find a neutral one in case she had a son, so he could play with it too. In the end, her and her husband ended up building their own kid-friendly kitchen because it was less frustrating than trying to find one that matched their needs. A similar issue arose when she did end up pregnant with a boy. Her daughter had never been interested in playing with dolls, but she wanted to find her a baby boy doll so she could get used to the idea of having a little brother. Again, she couldn’t find what she was looking for, even online.
Society forces gender expectations on us from a very early age; you can see it just by walking down the toy aisle in any store. They’re all very clearly separated between boys’ and girls’ toys. When it comes to how and when children understand gender, the fact of the matter is that they don't start realizing the physical differences until about age two, and those physical differences are all they need or care to understand. It’s not until they’re about age seven that they start realizing all of the societal differences between the two most common genders, and all of that “understanding” is completely impressed upon them from external sources.
All of these outside influences create clearly constructed gender expectations that can and very well might harm them in the future. It doesn't matter whether your child may or may not be transgender, cisgender, or gender fluid, or whether they want to go into a career field or enjoy a hobby that is a more “traditional” fit for the opposite gender; any and all preconceived expectations will deter their paths to becoming who they truly are.
It's important to encourage children to play in whatever ways make them happy. If a little girl wants to wear a princess dress and dance ballet, that's totally fine. But, if she wants to play with cars or legos, that’s totally fine too. The same goes for little boys: if they want to play with Barbie dolls or paint their nails, let them! You never know, you might have the next Tommy Hilfiger or Ralph Lauren on your hands. Giving your children any sort of expectation that's not okay to enjoy or explore something because it doesn’t fit their gender can definitely be harmful to them in the future.
Lobbying For Hobby Freedom
I think it's important for all children have some sort of extracurricular activity or hobby, basically something outside of their basic school work and chores, to keep them busy and enrich their lives. However, there are a lot of parents who shove children into roles they had laid out even before they were born. Maybe dad played football or mom was cheerleader and they loved it, so they assume their children will as well, and they place their kids into these sports at a young age with the expectation that they will succeed in kind. For some parents, it’s important that their children learn a second language or be a musical maestro, so they put them into piano or Japanese lessons without really giving them a choice in the matter.
Kids can't really explore their own interests and find their strengths and talents if they don’t get a say in their extracurricular activities. Sure, plenty of kids want to participate in sports, but not all of them are athletically inclined. Lots of kids are musical, but not all have a passion for it, even of their parents dream of jamming with them one day.
I believe that it’s acceptable to tell your child that they need to pick at least one extracurricular; whether they take drawing classes or learn Spanish or play any sort of sport or instrument, whether they learn karate or decide to volunteer at the zoo. Whatever it is, it should be enjoyable and challenging for them, and if they decide that it doesn’t make them happy any more, it’s okay for them to “quit” and pursue something else. As much as we want our children to love what we love, to be what we couldn’t, and to have the opportunities we didn’t, making them spend a large amount of time and effort on extracurriculars that don’t speak to them will only hold them back from finding out what they’re really good at.
Spoiler Alert
On that note, another way that we hold our children back is actually by spoiling them when it comes to their interests and hobbies. Your child might see their first rock concert and decide they want to be the next Jimi Hendrix, or they might go to an art museum and decide that they want to be a famous painter. These are things that you should absolutely support and encourage, but that doesn’t mean you should immediately open up your wallet and offer unlimited funding of their new pursuit.
We’ve all been told at one point or another that we can be anything we want to be, but that statement comes with a caveat. Children need to understand that yes, they can be anything they want to be, as long as they put in the hard work it takes to achieve their goals. I think a lot of parents forget to tell their children the second part of the “If you can dream it, you can do it” family of sayings.
If your little one decides they want to be a drummer, don’t immediately buy them a state-of-the-art drum set with all the extra, shiny cymbals, because it might be more about just having the coolest setup than it is about the hard work to them. Instead, start them out with a cheap or used set, enough for them to learn the basics on. Then, let them know that if they work really hard and get really good, they can have the glitter green drums and golden Zildjian cymbals they’re coveting. If you don’t, you might end up as one of the many parents who dropped a hefty chunk of change on an instrument their child only played a few times.
You Are What You Eat
Another way we hold our children back is the food we feed them. Of course, pizza or fast food or ice cream before dinner on occasion is not going to harm your child. It’s true that life is short and we should allow ourselves occasional indulgences. However, inordinately unhealthy food should always be an occasional treat. Unfortunately, the vast majority of America’s youth don’t meet the standards for a healthy diet, especially when it comes to heart health.
Some kids are pickier than others, and finicky eaters or difficult to work with, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn't encourage your children to always eat balanced meals with high nutritional value. If children aren't getting enough vitamins, minerals, fiber, or protein in their diet, or if they're getting too much sugar, complex carbohydrates, or unhealthy fats, it can cause both short-term and long-term health issues. Denying your child a proper diet--even if it’s out of convenience or pure frustration--can and will short and their life span, and you don't have a right to do that to anyone, even your own child.
Cake and cookies or a cheeseburger and fries from time to time is fine, but if you’re constantly feeding your child fast food and giving them sweets whenever they ask, you are changing their overall lifetime health. Once they turn 18 and they're out on their own, they can make their own decisions. If they choose to eat poorly and shorten their lifespan as an adult, that's their right, but until they reach that age, it’s your responsibility to give them the healthiest lifestyle and longest life expectancy that you possibly can. Many diseases and illnesses are preventable with a healthy diet, and until the child can make their own choices whether or not to prevent those, you are the one who needs to be preventing them from getting sick.
Good Luck!
In the end, I say good luck to you. We’re all fighting the good fight, and while we won’t always get it right (maybe there isn’t even always a “right” to begin with,) we can strive to constantly improve, and to give our kids as many opportunities as possible.
