1. What do you want to do with your life?
The first of many terrible questions people will always ask you. I have no idea, what do you want to do with your life? What you’re really asking me is what career do I want to pursue for the rest of my life, and honestly I have no idea. Nobody knows how they are going to feel about their “dream job” until after they've been working it for 5-10 years. I can lie and say that I want to be a teacher forever, or that I would love to write for a newspaper forever. However, the truth is that I’m down to do anything that will pay me well enough and not be too overly torturous at first. What do I want to do with my life, though? A life is so much more than a career. It’s finding someone who shows you love, it’s about having memorable experiences with that person that you hopefully found, and it’s about beer (lots of delicious beer that makes these questions more bearable).
2. How’s the job search going?
Three words: not very well. They call it a job search and not a job find because it’s a process, a grueling process. Many of the things that I might do after I graduate aren’t really jobs, they’re internships. This is because, for many companies, they have to “train” you for a certain amount of time before actually bringing you in as an employee. Also, the number of pyramid schemes that I have to weed through in order to find the legitimate job listings is too darn high. If I don’t have a job before you ask me this question it’s pretty safe to assume that the search isn’t going well, Aunt Dorris.
3. Apply Online.
There is nothing more infuriating about applying for a job than finding the website for the company and realizing that there is an online application form. They will almost always still ask for a resume to be submitted, but then you still have to fill out the online application as well. The application is literally always the same exact information that will be on my resume, but if you don’t fill it out they won’t even accept your resume. What makes it even worse is that if you miss a single box on these things, nine times out of ten, it’s going to make you completely fill out the entire form from the beginning! I’ve already told you where I went to college, what previous work I’ve done, and my relevant skills on my resume. Writing them down ten more times on all of the online applications is a sure fire way to make a man question his worth as a human being, as well as a worker.
4. Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
For some reason this is the go to question for employers at job fairs, so be prepared for it guys. You can’t say, “I see myself getting a paycheck from you deposited automatically, kicking my feet up on a beach chair in Cabo, and sipping on something alcoholic and icy.” Like most things in life, you need to lie. Well, don’t lie, lying isn’t the thing to do. You’re supposed to answer in a way that makes it seem like that job is your dream position. When they ask this question what they’re really asking is, “If I hire and train you, are you going to stick around?” This is only kind of torturous because for people like me, new graduates, the most “real experience” that we’ve had are our internships. Luckily it isn’t the end of the road though, the next five years isn’t the final years of your life (hopefully). Even if you’re twenty-five you still have plenty of time to figure out where you want your career to go, and you’ll figure that out when you get a little more experience under your belt. For now, all you soon-to-be-graduates should just be happy that you made it through college. Take in all the little victories in life.
