Growing up, I struggled with my faith and constantly wondered how the whole God thing worked. I was raised in the Presbyterian church, went to Sunday School every week, and attended weekly services with my family. Despite my connection to religion, I struggled to understand what was being taught to me. I fought my parents on going to church and would fight them on praying before bed. I had difficulty accepting that I was just supposed to believe in some invisible being that called the shots for everybody. Likely, my inability to accept God stemmed from a deeper, more personal inability to accept myself.
Allow me to set a familiar scene: I was an awkward teenage girl with self-esteem issues, acne, and bullied because of her laugh. Though the scenario varies for each person, I am merely one of many who understands how unkind middle school can be to the teenager just trying to fit in. Although I had friends, I constantly compared myself to them while also struggling to find where I belonged. I was angry with God. The times that I attempted to pray turned into one-sided screaming matches with a God that I didn't think was listening. I blamed Him for the feelings of hatred I had towards myself. Many times I tried to reconcile my relationship with God, but it wasn't until the summer before high school that I realized how much I needed God in my life.
My youth director from church and my parents suggested I go on a youth retreat with my church that summer. I was hesitant, but decided that it couldn't hurt for me to try and see if being in a different environment would improve my relationship with God. I even had some friends going from Sunday School, so even if God and I weren't on good terms by the end of the retreat, I might still have a fun weekend with some friends. The theme of the conference was "Vivid and Visible", and the ideas came from Matthew 5:14-16:
"You are the light of the world. A city built on a hill cannot be hid. No one after lighting a lap put it under the bushel basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven."
This was the first bible passage I connected with. The second I heard the passage, something clicked for me. Suddenly my eyes were opened to a world I could only dream of. I realized that there was a reason I was alive; that God put me here and I had a purpose. I have a light and I'm supposed to share that light with those around me. God gave us all lights to share and sometimes we have to work a little harder to discover the light that we possess. That weekend, I found a community that accepted me just as I was; a community that made me feel like I belonged. Everything that I had been confused about before was beginning to fall into place. I didn't have to just accept this invisible being anymore because I could feel Him with me. I was beginning to see Him in those around me. I began to see myself the way that He would see me. That weekend, I had the first of many life chats with God and I could hear Him answering me in the words spoken by the conference leaders.
After that first conference, my faith life grew in ways I never knew were possible. That fall, I started four years at a private, Catholic high school where I attended mass and went on several retreats with my class. I took four years of religion classes where I was guided and inspired by some of the best teachers I ever had. I was confirmed in the Presbyterian church during my freshman year. I became more involved with my youth group at church, eventually fulfilling a leadership role, and made close friends. I traveled out of the country for mission work and pilgrimages and youth festivals. I went on three other youth retreats with my church, as well as plenty of other fun youth trips. That first conference may have kick-started my relationship with God, but it's these experiences that have made me who I am today.
My faith journey so far has had its ups and downs, but ever since that first retreat I've stopped questioning where my faith is taking me. I began to get to know myself as the person God wants me to be. I found the flaws that had scared me and turned them into things I cherished about myself. I opened my heart to God and was patient as I waited for answers. My faith has made me confident in who I am and shown me how to look for the good in people. It has inspired me and helped me inspire others. My faith has helped shape me into who I am today; it has made me stronger, it has given me freedom, it has shown me who I want to be. My journey is far from being over, and I can't wait to see where my faith takes me next.
