I always thought that whole “You’ll find yourself in college” thing was bullsh*t, until now. I don’t think it’s necessarily college that causes the shift. I think that most people go through certain life changes in their twenties that help them to become their true self.

And some people don’t because maybe they’ve been their true self the whole time (thank god that wasn’t true for me). Where you are when these changes start to occur has a lot of effect on how you will change.

For me, it was college. I found myself changing to suit the lifestyle of a college goer, ramen diet and all. But that’s not enough to bring about change in a person. In college, you find yourself surrounded by a swarm of people you don’t know. You have to find your place in the pack, or outside of it. That’s what happened to me.

Go back with me four years, to my senior year of high school. I wore way too much black eyeliner (which doesn’t look bad if you actually wear makeup) because I thought it made me look older. I burned the hell out of my long, curly hair with a flat iron. I wore my boyfriend’s massive shirts no matter how terrible I looked in them because I wanted everyone to know I was cool enough for a boyfriend.

I was a self-deprecating, attention-seeking wannabe weirdo who liked to write depressing songs with no depth on my cheap, hand-me-down keyboard. I was obsessed with making “art” to express my “feelings” (because what else is a “misunderstood” teenager supposed to do?). Perhaps what is one of the worst things for me to think about now, is how much I was trapped inside the bubble of my parent’s political views and cultural values, most of which would infuriate me now.

I didn’t try in school, I hated math, and the only classes I thrived in were art, creative writing, and public speaking because it gave my awkward self an outlet to be heard. We had to do a demonstrative speech, so basically some kind of tutorial.

Everyone else did things like “here’s how to bake a cake” or “this is how to make your own piñata.” I chose “How to Make People Uncomfortable” and opened my speech by handing everyone lollipops and getting up close in their faces to comment on their licking techniques, and later showed a video to explain the differences between direct and indirect licking (I literally had a video of me licking my friend’s arm from wrist to elbow). My speech became a class favorite and I got picked to perform it in front of most of the school.

I, of course, couldn’t give everyone lollipops, so instead I wore a rabbit suit under my clothes, walked on stage quietly, shouted “It’s roasty in here” and proceeded to remove said clothes to reveal said rabbit suit to the sultry saxophone solo from Careless Whisper. This became the peak of my popularity.

I talked to myself constantly, but not like reminding myself of tasks or little thoughts. I would actually have conversations with myself, pretending there was someone else there, someone who was listening, someone who would respond and help me sort out all of the confusing s**t I was going through.

They would sometimes blow things out of proportion which provided me with the drama that I craved but eventually helped me to reach a solution to my troubles. With someone to talk to constantly, to imagine by my side at all times, I didn’t feel so alone (even though I wasn’t).

Fast forward one year, to my first year of college. I went to community college, so I recognized a lot of faces from high school (and all the other high schools because everyone knows everyone in a small town). There were a lot of new people, but not enough for me to feel totally lost in the crowd.

And yet, I felt like I had to prove myself somehow. The terrors of high school were over and now I had a fresh start. Unfortunately, I thrived on the attention of others (especially boys, no matter how detrimental it may have been to my relationship that I was still holding onto from high school).

More than ever before, I was unhappy with my life, with my relationship, with my appearance. I don’t think it was the college that was the cause. I think I had expected myself to magically become a new person after graduation, turn into a butterfly or something. But I didn’t. For a long time. And as much as that killed me, it’s really not a bad thing. The experiment should come before the results.

I was now at the point in my life where everyone around me had a plan. They’d picked a major, chosen a potential career. Me, I was too busy attempting to surround myself with friends, some of which would later hurt me and others that I would just never talk to again.

I went from wanting to be an elementary school teacher, to an art teacher, to a Child Life Specialist, to a graphic designer, to a writer/graphic designer, before finally settling on just being a writer, or at least an English major (not to mention the brief period of my parents pushing me to be an accountant which ended horribly and resulted in a permanent bad grade on my transcript (She seriously couldn’t have rounded that 69.5%?).

I was blind to the fact that I was so clearly unhappy with my relationship with my boyfriend, but I was so desperate to just have someone, anyone, that I never wanted to lose it. But I did, multiple times. And it felt like the end of the world. A good friend of mine said to me recently, “It was really sad. We could all see it, but you couldn’t.” He’s right. I couldn’t see it. Not until long afterward.

(Quick relationship advice: If you feel unhappy, don’t feel like you have to stay just because you’ve already invested so much time into it or because you don’t feel like you’ll ever find someone else. You may think there’s nothing better, but I promise you, THERE IS. And you’ll feel so much happier when you find it, you’ll finally look back and see how things really were. It might suck to be alone for a little while. Breakups are HARD. But it will be worth it. I promise.)

People had started to escape the awkward appearances of their teen years, but I was trapped in them for YEARS to come. I didn’t know how to take care of myself, how to properly do my makeup, how to fix my horrid brows, and mostly how to dress. I kept wearing my boyfriend’s shirts (for the same reason as in high school) but also became so obsessed with my appearance that I would sometimes leave early in the mornings to go to the mall and buy a new outfit because nothing in my closet made me feel confident.

Most of this continued through my sophomore year, but then in my junior year something changed, but what was it? Was it my new boyfriend (who is literally the best thing that has ever happened to me, I’m not even kidding), or my escape from the little town of my community college to a big University, or the official declaration of my major (being able to read/write all the time instead of doing math has saved my life), or the wonderful friends I’d gained who shared the same beliefs as me?

And then senior year came. I finally feel comfortable being who I am. I proudly stand up for what I believe in. I still practically worship my boyfriend (because he’s incredible and caring and a beautiful person who loves and supports me no matter what). I value how healthy and happy our relationship is more than anything. I’ve become close with those new friends I’ve made who accept me for who I am and support me (the best friends hype you up when you’re doing/looking great).

I cut some nasty people out of my life too, which is one of the best feelings ever. I made the decision to cut off my frizzy curls and sport a trendy bob cut which I later dyed a dark brown far from my natural blonde. I’ve gotten really into makeup, and I’m not afraid to wear a lot of it or wear none at all because both are perfectly acceptable. I’ve come to terms with my sexuality and sexuality itself and embrace it and all of its wonder and possibilities.

I’ve purged my closet of all my terrible clothes and dedicated myself to saving money, even if it’s only small amounts at a time. I set a life goal, a very innocent goal, to own a corgi named Ravioli. I started working two jobs to help me get there. I found a hobby in making music to fill my time. I’ve buckled down on my school work and stopped procrastinating (mostly).

I hate school. I’ve hated it since kindergarten, but I can’t help but appreciate everything that college has done for me. I wouldn’t be who I am without it. I’ve made mistakes, and I’ve learned from them. These last few years have brought me so many bad decisions, but also the strength to reconcile with them.

One way or another, you will discover who you want to be. There wasn’t any experience, in particular, no story I could tell, about what caused all of these changes to occur. I just sort of happens. It’s a slow process, but you’ll become that butterfly eventually.

My best friend from high school, who is still my closest friend, said to me recently after seeing an old picture of me, “That doesn’t even look like you. It doesn’t even seem like you. That was high school Cat, and that’s just not who you are anymore.” She’s right. I’m not the same person. I’ve finally become my own dream girl.

In the words of Demi Lovato in Camp Rock, which I will shamelessly reference right now,

Just because I’ve matured and stuff doesn’t mean I can’t reminisce about my childhood.

And yes, I would totally still wear a rabbit suit in front of my whole school because why the f*** not.