It's crazy how time fly's, isn't it?

It's been almost half of a year since I lost you/you walked out on me.

Call it what you want.

I know that I wrote you and told you that I forgave you. However, it's been almost half of a year, and I'm still mad at you. You wouldn't imagine how many different people have given me their opinions on how I should feel towards you. But what about how I feel towards you?

I'm mad, but maybe not for the reasons that everyone thinks.

I'm mad at you because you were my absolute best friend. You were my person. I'm mad at you because when I use to hear your name, I was filled with love, excitement and happiness. My heart felt like it was going to almost burst because it was so full.

And now, I'm just left mad.

Because when I think of you now, I grow with anger and have to force myself to think about something or someone else. Maybe, its just that this hurt and anger is a part of me now. I'm mad at you because when I met you, you would light up a room when you walked into it, and you didn't even realize it. But now that light that use to shine so bright, is gone. I'm mad because I no longer think the world of you. I'm mad because I can't be annoyed at your weird habits anymore, I cant send you all the puppy videos I see on Facebook or run up behind you and do that thing I always did.

I'm mad at you because the sight of the blue Pillsbury Doughboy cookies and pepper jack cheese no longer appeal to me. I'm mad at you because the one thing that I wanted out of life was being in love, and now it's no longer a want of mine. It actually repulses me. I'm mad because my trust in men is severely damaged. I'm mad that I still sleep on only the left side of the bed. I'm mad for all the time I've spent these last six months analyzing all of our old text conversations looking for something to give me answers and peace. I'm mad at you for all the searching I've done for you in other people. I'm mad that I keep finding your chewed gum all around my house and car. I'm mad at you because howling dogs, bird chirping noises, elbow noodles and good morning texts no longer make me smile. I'm mad because of how highly I talked of you, just for you to completely humiliate me.

I'm mad that 3:00am nights have become a regular for me and for all the calories from wine that I have consumed because of you.

I'm mad that you didn't and still haven't told me the truth. I'm mad that what you did, didn't make you absolutely sick to your stomach. I'm hurt that it was such a clean break for you, and that you haven't once thought about reaching out to me. Because I do everyday. And believe me, every time I don't, i almost do. I'm mad that I wasn't enough for you. Because you always were.

But most of all, I'm mad because you make me sad now.

Im mad at myself. I'm mad that on my darkest of nights, I still find comfort in your oversized Army PT shirt. I'm mad at myself for still checking up on you constantly threw your family and friends, that I still cry over you or that my heart still clenches up at the drop of your name. Im mad because picturing your calm face in my mind during my breakdowns no longer brings me comfort or calms me down.Maybe, I'm scared to accept that you are no longer my person.

I'm mad at myself for loving you, because loving you brings nothing but sadness now and I don't want to be sad anymore.

I'm mad, because I just want to be the free spirit I was before I met you.

...I have to continue on with my life,

and I guess it will have to be without you. Without you, was your decision that you made for me, without me.

I will never understand.

God, give me strength.