“Yes, I’m listening.
“Sorry, what was that?”
“No really, I hear you!”
One of the greatest gifts of humankind is the ability to speak. The gift of communication. The ability to put our deepest emotions, feelings, ideas, or plans into something called words. You've probably spent years learning how to read and write, and years learning how to speak. There are courses on how to speak foreign languages, speak in public, train your voice, master interviews, and so on.
But how many courses have you taken in listening? Has anyone taught you to use those curvy lumps of flesh on the sides of your head as thoroughly as the one under your nose? Probably not, right?
Listening isn't an easy thing to do. It requires an open and attentive mind, self-control, an accepting heart, and a whole lot of patience. You have to actively participate in the conversation and be willing to formulate insight. Are you making people feel valued? Are you being attentive not just to the words that you hear, but also to the emotional subtext underneath? That is listening.
However, many people don't listen to understand––they listen to reply. They may hear their peers' spoken words, but they actually spend most of the conversation formulating their own ideas. Once the other person is done talking, they jump in with little understanding of what is going on. The inability to listen effectively can create boundaries in communication.
I know it can be hard not to reply to that argument in a classroom debate or a group project idea that's just outrageous. But if we just take the time to step back and really listen, we might be able to understand the person's message a bit better.
Here's a few tips to take your listening game to the next level!
1. Eliminate discriminations.
Hate to break it to you, but we actually suck at multitasking. Our brains don't have the ability to read an article and listen to a lecture at the same time. So just put the phone down for a while––hide it somewhere in your backpack or pocket. This will make listening much easier.
2. Open your mind.
Don't judge. Just listen. If you have a problem understanding what the person is saying, repeat what they're saying in your head.
3. Don't jump to conclusions or interrupt.
Until they've finished speaking, don't talk. You can ask them to repeat what they've said, but only after they've finished their sentence. Once they finished their point-of-view, you’ll notice that you respond less quickly. You’ll need a minute or two to compose a thoughtful response in your head, and that's okay! Few speakers expect the listener to actually digest what they're saying, so they might be surprised that they were not just heard, but understood. Although reflection might slow down the flow of the conversation, it will drastically reduce miscommunications.
4. Ask questions!
Clarify what you understood before responding. Keep them as non-confrontational as possible. (An example of a bad question is, "How could you possibly think that?") Also, try to keep questions to a minimum while the speaker is talking, as it can disrupt or derail them.
5. Mirror, don't mimic.
This stage allows you to demonstrate how much you understood. Now, mirroring is essentially repeating what the person is saying and feeling in your own words. Mimicking is just that––simply repeating what the other person is saying. You're not a parrot, but you are a sounding board in the conversation. Mirroring will show that you are really listening and understanding the message behind the words.
6. Keep an eye on nonverbal cues.
Use your body language and gestures to show that you're paying attention. Nod or use other gestures or words of acknowledgment to encourage them to continue. Keep eye contact, but don't stare––showing them that you're listening will take you far. While you're at it, keep an eye on the speaker's body language too. What's their facial expression? How do they gesture? Are they keeping eye contact? All of these cues can give valuable insight into what they are really saying.
Listening is a skill that is almost forgotten in the world of digital distraction and information overload. But we can become better at listening, just like any other skill. Listen to your parents when they call you. Listen to the students who are screaming across campus: they may be trying to say that something's wrong. Listen to the other members of your group when you collaborate on a project––you never know what brilliant ideas may arise.
So go ahead and start listening! There's more depth and breadth to this world than meets the ear.
