I know my name.

I know where I am from.

I know my home.

I know my face.

I know who I am ... I just forgot for a while.

I don't really know when I lost myself, and that's an issue for me. I really do not know what made me decide to try and build someone new in my place. Maybe it was starting college, meeting newer, prettier, more popular people, seeing that boys could be interested in me if I tried ... it's just ... I changed.

I started to judge people. I started to hate. I started to worry what everyone else would think. I had to put on a fake face, and keep my mouth shut. And that is the girl some people became friends with, a face. They became close with a girl pretending to just smile and wave and laugh it off, a girl who just listened, a girl who could talk s**t with the best of them.

I became a stranger afraid of the spotlight. I was afraid of what made me a nerd, a goof, a clown — the attributes I once held so proudly. So I forgot about them. I forgot about the small things that made me ... me. I wanted to be something better, but I may have made myself worse, for I deleted my foundation to fall on.

I don't really know when I found myself, and that's another problem. All I know is that I became sad at one point. Really sad. I don't think I have ever been that sad. Maybe it was realizing I could have made more friends if I wasn't so desperate to find one or two groups. Maybe it was after my roommates told me I couldn't live with them. My heart broke at one point, and I don't know when.

And after falling so low, being broken apart, my trust shredding into nothing and no one really understanding what was happening, I realized why I hurt so much. The person I made up was shattered, and I couldn't find what was underneath. I was a ghost...I was lost.

So I decided to find myself again. It has been a slow process. I started with my name. Started with where I was from...I built up from there. I knew I read books, so I began reading again. I knew I was a goof, so I started making stupid and nerdy jokes again, laughing at myself even if no one else would.

I started to say no. To bad decisions. To staying up late. To anything I really did not want. I tried not to be jealous of the world; tried not to judge the world.

I realized why I was drowning, so I swam against the current, and somehow found the surface. With arms tired and heart aching from lack of true oxygen, I realized that I have become someone I really did not like. I became a fake person. I was never so ashamed of myself. So I kept swimming, toward the shore that is the original girl I used to be.

And I am still swimming. There are friends on my shore, but I do not who they are yet. I don't know who will wait for me. I hope that they are the old friends from home and the new ones I made who are still getting used to my true self. I hope they will accept the real me the way I have accepted them. I can only hope.

I am free-styling away from the depth of the person I created. The water is still deep and black, and I am not sure where I will stand, but I just need to find where I began. I need to find me again, and I am still working for it. I am still fighting for it. And every piece of myself I find is a monumental accomplishment.

So all I have to say is this. If you were happy with yourself, and just wanted to change to be cool ... don't. People will love you for you. If you do not realize that, you will be sucked out until no land is in sight. If you begin to drown find the strength to get up. Find yourself again.

It's long and heartbreaking, but it is worth it. It's all so worth it. I am becoming happy with myself again, and I know that there is only more happiness in my revival because I am reviving myself. Just need to, well, just keep swimming.

I know who I am. I won't forget again. Ever.