There’s nothing glamorous about someone taking advantage of your humanity in a way that can be painful mentally, physically, economically, etc. Being a victim eludes to this lack of control that no one wants to have. If I had it my way, I would be in control of every happening in my life. Sadly, as a human, I lack that control over life. While this seems a negative, it allows people aside from myself to coexist in a kind of harmony that allows for human life and community; something I’ve come to appreciate very much.
Like a child who is unaware of how (un)pleasantries (Chores, eating vegetables, etc.) are so necessary for completing each day, I have found myself unware of how my lack of control has benefitted me. I’ve gained some knowledge from my abuse, but most of all I have gained the ability to forgive. Forgiveness isn’t what people believe it is on the surface level. Most people consider it a favor to the abuser. What people don’t realize is that it isn’t a favor to anyone but the abused.
Even by thinking or uttering the words, “I forgive you”, you let go of every hurt that the person you are forgiving has imposed on you. Most people believe this equates to saying, “What you did was okay”, but it doesn’t! All it means is that you’ve let go of what happened and you are moving on. This simplicity is liberating. Additionally, realize that forgiveness is unconditional. Whether the person you are forgiving will change or not is unimportant. All that matters is you.
Think of it this way. As much hurt and pain the person has caused you, is it really helpful to allow what’s been done to continue making you feel bitterness and ill will to your offender? That mental anger and pain will never touch the person who hurt you anyway! The only way to let that go is to tell yourself that you are letting go of what happened. If you refuse to do that, you are only allowing the pain to continue holding you captive. Essentially, you are letting your offender to control you even more. Forgiveness helps you gain control back, and that’s why it’s so important.
I know it is extremely difficult to let go of the giving part of forgiving, but realize that the only person you are giving to by performance of this act is yourself. You are the only one who matters. At the end of the day, the person that hurt you will do what they want regardless of your wishes. Forgiving won’t change that. Forgiving just changes your heart. It allows you to look at someone without immediate pain. It allows you to live without nightmarish memories. It allows you to move on.
This is what you learn when you’ve lived in the same home as your abuser. This is what you learn when your own family has caused you suffering. If disappointment is all you have, you must decide what follows. And making the best of murky waters makes them drinkable. With each sip is cultivated life. Although it isn’t perfect, it can be swallowed. Even better, you learn to appreciate love and goodness. Because that forgiveness leads to triumph over tribulation while the hate only allows the hurts of life to smother you.
