Life is a series of mistakes and lessons. Experiences are often made from taking two steps forward and five steps back. Then comes a future challenge, two steps forward and four steps back. And so on and so forth until you reach some form of equilibrium and a new lesson is on its way to meet you and to be learned.
As we pass through different stages of life, we shed some hair, some dead skin, maybe grow a bit taller, lose or gain weight, and change our perspectives, values, priorities. We face setbacks, dilemmas, and opportunities. Some friends become family, others become distant memories.
Regardless, as we go along, we cannot lose our compassion and care for others and more importantly (but less typically), ourselves. We have to be able to forgive ourselves for who we were in middle school, in high school, in college, at the start of our first job, and in all the changing moments of life. We have to let go of what was to live in what is.
I recently spent time with an old friend whom I had lost touch with (on purpose), courtesy of a falling out. In the time that we were in different places and doing different things, we weren't talking, sending each other Snapchats, or liking each other's posts on Instagram. We weren't involved in each other's lives. When we met up, we addressed some sore spots over ginger beers, jabs and jokes, and talks about our experiences. We were able to move forward without painfully reopening the wounds.
Progress, right?
I came to realize that while at our falling out point hurtful words were exchanged, there was a build up of mistakes and lack of forgiveness. That tends to be the case when you get to see someone through multiple life passages. In our case, we met in the middle of high school and stayed in touch through most of college and now we are out of college and back to friendship.
I was an insecure, standoffish, cynical, and overly sensitive high schooler. I didn't trust when people were nice to me because I didn't think I deserved it. I took to people who treated me as I expected to be treated -- poorly. As Stephen Chbosky wrote, "we accept the love we think we deserve."
When my friend and I met in high school, at a conference, I didn't try to remain friends afterward because I enjoyed living in my own tiny bubble. The age of social media was just beginning so I didn't believe there was a proper way to keep in touch.
I didn't appreciate having a friend who I didn't make through school or who didn't live within twenty minutes away from me. I acknowledge now that my close-mindedness was silly. Instead of enjoying a new friend, I pushed him away while he made an effort to be in my life.
By the time we got to college and lived closer, we were changing, but I had done enough damage to any trust he could have in me. It's tough to maintain a foundation when one is kept at arm's length. While I became a person who welcomed friends she met one night at parties, at tea shops, on subway platforms, through other friends, and all over the world, I wasn't when he and I had met. There was nothing I could do to change the past, but I could change how I behaved in the future with him and with future friends.
As we walked down the street talking about anything that popped into our heads, I thought about how we could spend time with each other simply because we had forgiven each other and ourselves for the mistakes made and lessons learned in the past.
We weren't holding the past against each other. It no longer mattered. I could savor these moments knowing that they are so rare. It is so precious to have a friend who sees you in many different life moments and cares for you come hell or high water.
Now, I remind myself that I have to forgive myself for who I was and in turn, how I acted. I hope you will too.
