I am not sure when our lives separated, I may have been four years old. I can't remember much those first few years, but eventually, I did remember the dread , the hives, and the guilt I felt when it was time to make a call. I often wonder, Dad, did you realize what your words did to me, did you realize how guilty I felt over things I had no control over. As a young child living with one parent isn't often our choice, but you made it seem like it was. You didn't know I broke out in hives and couldn't breathe when it was time to make a phone call to you. You had no idea how your words cut me , made me feel as though I was doing something wrong. I was a child,Dad, I had no idea what to do, or not to do. My little heart hurt for what you wanted and what I wanted. See Daddy, at that time you had no idea how much I had been hurt in my short life, and would I ever tell you "no," Dad? I wouldn't. To this day, you have no idea what I went through as a little girl, and I am not sure it would help if you knew. What's sad is that I have always needed my daddy and I never felt him close.
As I grew older, and our relationship grew more distant, I didn't know how to fix it. I hoped that you would know what to do, and you would help, but you never came, you never helped your little girl. I only grew older and made bad decisions, and instead of my dad being there, he left and once again. I felt all alone. You probably think I am blaming you for everything and that couldn't be further from the truth. I knew my decisions were my own, and I knew I would do whatever I had to do to make my life right. I had always wished you were there to see it, but I guess I wasn't important enough for you to keep up with.
Eventually, I married and had two other children. I married a man who loved me and everything that came with me. He took my daughter in as his own with no questions. He was a man you would be proud of, Dad, but you weren't there. I am sure you thought that is what I wanted, to not have you there, but dad you couldn't have been more wrong. I wanted you there. I wanted you to meet the man I fell in love with. I wanted you to meet your grandchildren, and I wanted you there for me.
At 30 years old, I let myself cry for you more than I ever have. My guilt and emotions spilled over, and I didn't want to be 30 without you by my side. It was also at that time I decided it was time to forgive myself and move on. I forgave myself for not being the daughter you had always wanted. I forgave myself for not being there when you felt I needed to be, Dad. I forgave myself for everything I held in for those 30 years; I had to. You may still feel like I owe you, you may still feel like I wronged you, and I am sorry you feel that way, Dad. I can't make that better. My only hope is that one day you will forgive me as I have forgiven you, and that we can have the relationship every father and daughter deserve. Dad, this is not my wish for us, and my heart hopes you see that and you meet me half way as I have reached out to you. Dad, I can only forgive you, hopefully one day you will forgive me.
