Forcing Myself to be Superwoman
Start writing a post
Politics and Activism

Forcing Myself to be Superwoman

Why I'm over the way I treat myself

24
Forcing Myself to be Superwoman
The tomatos

I used to want to become an actress. And believe me when I tell you that I would have done anything to make this dream a reality. My first stage performance was through the community theater's rendition of "The Best Christmas Paegent Ever." I can't tell you what the story was even about, but what I can tell you is that I was absolutely committed. I practiced for hours. I stayed late at rehearsal. I stayed up late in bed dreaming of stage lights. I made sure that my singing was flawless and my one line of, "there's a fire!" was performed with the most genuine emotion an eight year old can muster. Call it crazy. Call it passion.

My dreams of being the next child celebrity lasted until about high school, where I decided that my passions can not be confined into one talent. I joined marching band, the broadcasting club, theater, debate team, radio, and the competitive speech team (laugh now, but guess who isn't afraid of public speaking?). I balanced these things. I stayed late at school, I practiced in my down time, I wrote scripts, and edited sound bytes. I'm not entirely sure if I did these things solely because of passion, or because of a need to constantly be occupied with something. More than likely, it's a combination of the two.

I'm notorious for biting more than I can chew.

And this is really fine. I've always tried to make it "fine." I rearranged my schedules, sacrificed sleep, and joked about my "chaotic schedule" until I convinced myself that it was actually funny. While I have very fond memories of the time I spent engulfed in my hobbies, I also have not-so-fond memories of pushing my face into the tear-soaked carpet of my bedroom floor, wishing I didn't put myself through so much; begging for just a few minutes of rest. At eight, at fourteen, at seventeen, at twenty-three, I have been forced to consistently remind myself that I do not need sleep. I do not need rest. My passions, my drive, and my desire to do something meaningful was greater than the limitations of my physical body. I just needed to be superwoman. Because that's super reasonable. I need to do it all.

And I definitely still try. I jam pack my schedule with obligations. And truly, I love it. I love what I get the opportunity to do on a weekly basis. I love feeling the value in my work. I love knowing that these experiences are building blocks of the woman I will become. It truly is rewarding.

But I'm exhausted. I'm on the verge of another carpet-ridden cry fest. It really is one of those, "what-do-I-do-with-my-hands" kind of feelings. I quite literally don't know what to do with myself, sometimes. When I have downtime, I'm making plans. When I have a moment of rest I'm looking for something else to do. I consistently fall back on my default: "this is what it takes to become the person that I want to be." Sometimes I really do believe it. But lately, I'm starting to believe that that idea is a load of crap.

I often find myself right back at this place. This place of having to choose whether or not I'm going to cry, change, or simply "suck it up." This is the place where I am usually forced to remind myself that there is a method to my madness. This is the part where I typically convince myself to deal with it because this is who I am. This is what is necessary. This is what it takes to become a valuable woman. It usually works. But now, I just can't do it anymore.

I'm done.

If being a 'valuable woman' and 'following the path I'm meant for' involves endless work loads, I don't want it. If these things involve dark circles and lost friendships, I don't want it. If these things do not incorporate even an ounce of rest then I don't want it.

But I'm not exactly sure these things actually involve my loss of sanity. Because this seems to work out for everyone else. While I am no advocate for comparison, I just can't help but notice that this seems so much easier for other people. Normal, everyday people wake up from a full night's sleep, have restful weekends without consideration to what they have to do in the upcoming week, and end up becoming entirely successful. Seriously, Why is it so hard for me to realize that rest is just as essential as everything else I do?

Honestly, I don't know. It could be my own insecurity. It could be my own "perfectionist" nature. It could be the fact that I have always seen myself as a tenacious actress, ready to fit whichever role I was needed. And while I have a thrill for the stage, I need to remind myself that there's a reason actors "take 5." There's a reason humans sleep. There's a reason I'm running on empty after a couple decades worth of running around. I'm not superwoman. I do not need to do it all. And when I don't "do it all," I will still be valuable. I will be okay.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

51825
college students waiting in a long line in the hallway
StableDiffusion

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less
a man and a woman sitting on the beach in front of the sunset

Whether you met your new love interest online, through mutual friends, or another way entirely, you'll definitely want to know what you're getting into. I mean, really, what's the point in entering a relationship with someone if you don't know whether or not you're compatible on a very basic level?

Consider these 21 questions to ask in the talking stage when getting to know that new guy or girl you just started talking to:

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

Challah vs. Easter Bread: A Delicious Dilemma

Is there really such a difference in Challah bread or Easter Bread?

33284
loaves of challah and easter bread stacked up aside each other, an abundance of food in baskets
StableDiffusion

Ever since I could remember, it was a treat to receive Easter Bread made by my grandmother. We would only have it once a year and the wait was excruciating. Now that my grandmother has gotten older, she has stopped baking a lot of her recipes that require a lot of hand usage--her traditional Italian baking means no machines. So for the past few years, I have missed enjoying my Easter Bread.

Keep Reading...Show less
Adulting

Unlocking Lake People's Secrets: 15 Must-Knows!

There's no other place you'd rather be in the summer.

956186
Group of joyful friends sitting in a boat
Haley Harvey

The people that spend their summers at the lake are a unique group of people.

Whether you grew up going to the lake, have only recently started going, or have only been once or twice, you know it takes a certain kind of person to be a lake person. To the long-time lake people, the lake holds a special place in your heart, no matter how dirty the water may look.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Top 10 Reasons My School Rocks!

Why I Chose a Small School Over a Big University.

181116
man in black long sleeve shirt and black pants walking on white concrete pathway

I was asked so many times why I wanted to go to a small school when a big university is so much better. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure a big university is great but I absolutely love going to a small school. I know that I miss out on big sporting events and having people actually know where it is. I can't even count how many times I've been asked where it is and I know they won't know so I just say "somewhere in the middle of Wisconsin." But, I get to know most people at my school and I know my professors very well. Not to mention, being able to walk to the other side of campus in 5 minutes at a casual walking pace. I am so happy I made the decision to go to school where I did. I love my school and these are just a few reasons why.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments