Recently I’ve seen on social media the trending topic of “Coming Out of the Closet Day” or something along those lines. I personally never participated in it considering at the time I felt like I didn’t have a story to tell. Then the other day I found myself thinking about the past and I began to remember my own personal coming out the closet day, but it wasn’t with flower pedals falling from the sky as everyone embraced me and it wasn’t with open arms either. I was forced or let’s just say pushed out of the closet by someone I thought I could trust for one minute. The more I began to think about it, the more irritated I became. This person caused so much damage to my life and honestly he still walks around as if nothing happened. Then I began to realize that this story needs to be told because it’s a lesson we all need to learn and that is, never force someone to come out when they’re not ready. You never know the damage you can cause and what it will mean for that person.
Let me start from the beginning so you get the entire story, and don’t worry all names will be changed to protect their identity, but if you really think about it, you may be able to figure it out who it is, and it’s not my fault if my readers are intelligent, is it?
I was a junior in high school when I was forced out and I remember that day as if it was yesterday. In high school I tried my best to play it off to everyone that I was straight, most of it because I was in denial and the other half was that I didn’t want to be bullied. Back in grade school and middle school I was tormented tremendously about my sexuality, I remember my mother wanting to pull me out of school entirely over it, but I refused because I couldn’t let them win. So personally admitting about my sexuality was hard, I thought everyone would have abandoned me if they knew and I felt as if all the people who ever made fun of me would have been right this entire time and I couldn’t give them that satisfaction. So yes, I was in major denial, but that didn’t stop me from pursuing who I wanted.
I met “Tack” when he was a freshman and yes we fooled around and yes I broke his heart. I don’t blame him for what he did before this day that it all came crashing down and till this day we have spoken about it and we have made our peace. Tack knew I wasn’t out of the closet and he was supposed to keep my secret, until I hurt his feelings when I told him I wanted nothing more than a fool around buddy, that he told my secret. All of this is water under the bridge and I don’t blame him, it’s the other person in this story that I will never forgive.
It all started the day before Thanksgiving break, on this day my Speech class and I were performing in “Poetry in Motion”, so it was a fun and crazy day. My group and I had been performing all day to different groups of students and it was a blast. “Massachusetts” as I call him, was in my group and he was a freshman. Massachusetts was someone that everyone thought was gay, but to Massachusetts, he was straight. So lets just say Massachusetts and I were in the same boat, both clearly gay, but in complete denial.
I had to report Massachusetts one day because he was overly touching me and another friend of mine named Dustin. Of course I had to pretend that I was straight and that I didn’t appreciate this over touching, and yet I still reported him to save face so everyone would think I was straight. Massachusetts was never in big trouble for it, he simply got a warning, but I bring this up because it plays into the story later.
During my performance at “Poetry in Motion”, I had one of my good friends come up to me and she asked me a question. A question that started all of this to go spiraling down faster than the speed of light. I remember smiling and talking to friends when she came up and whispered the question in my ear that made me want to die.
“Did you sleep with Tack Wilson?”
It had been about two years since I had messed with Tack, and we hadn’t talked since I hurt his feelings when I told him what I really wanted. I never knew it would come back to haunt me, but it did and everything around me seemed to come crashing down. If you think I am being over dramatic then you’re not getting where I’m coming from. I was someone who was in such denial of trying to be straight; I couldn’t have this come out, nor a rumor to form.
Years ago there was a fellow student/friend of mine who supposedly fooled around with a guy at a party and everyone—including myself unfortunately—made fun of him behind his back. This was my karma, and I knew that once this was out, I would be the laughing stock of the entire Drama/Speech department and high school. All of the things that anyone had every said about me and to me would be true and they would all talk about me for years. Not to mention, I knew that my guy friends in high school would disown me because having a gay guy friend was out of the question. They would feel uncomfortable around me and never talk to me, I just knew that it would happen.
I remember all of these thoughts coming at me a mile a minute and I couldn’t stop them. I remember as if a switch had been turned off and my body and mind had shut down, so much that I couldn’t even answer the question. I couldn’t think of a lie, I didn’t know what she knew or how many other people knew. I was frantic and I was speechless. I remember I walked off and sat down in the corner, because of course this all happened during lunch, which left me with an hour to think about all of this instead of staying busy and not thinking about it.
I wanted to die but I didn’t know how I was going to do it. I remember I wanted to cry but I couldn’t, I was too in shock to even cry, I was too numb. I kept thinking of the easiest ways to kill myself and I started to come up with a plan on how to do it. My secret was out and my life was over, or so I thought at the time. I remember people were walking around me and not one of them even asked if I was okay. Astonishing that you spend so much time with people and you think they would never hurt you, and once you’re hurt you think they would be there for you, but that day, I realized that wasn’t the case. Everyone was absorbed in their own bubble as I sat there contemplating suicide, and I wondered if they would even care if I was dead.
Suddenly Massachusetts was there and he sat down next to me and he was the first person to actually ask me if I was okay. He had zero idea what was going on but he was the first person to actually care and give a shit about me. I needed to talk to someone and if anyone could understand what I was going through, I felt as if Massachusetts would really understand me.
Massachusetts led me to the stairwell of the auditorium and he sat me down and asked me what was going on. I needed to talk to someone, I was afraid that if I didn’t then I would explode. I didn’t want to do anything stupid and I wanted someone to understand me. So, I told him everything, how it all went down and everything that happened. I told him I was going to commit suicide and I begged him not to tell anyone. Massachusetts told me he would never speak a word about it, he seemed to take my suicide threat seriously and I really trusted him.
Then he asked to kiss me.
Yes I know, my answer should’ve been no, never. I should’ve declined and got up and left the stairwell and just pretended it never happened. I should’ve never gone in the stairwell to begin with, I should’ve never even talked to Massachusetts. I should’ve never even slept with Tack or even hurt him. There was a lot of should’ve, could’ve, would’ve, but I did them anyway.
I was still in shock and I really didn’t have an answer. I originally said no, I had done this before and it bit me in the ass and I wasn’t going to make the same mistake again. Shoot me once shame on you, shoot me twice shame on me. But Massachusetts begged and pleaded and promised me my secret would be safe and that no one would ever know. I kept telling him no because I wouldn’t make the same mistake.
But he wanted me, he actually wanted me and I’ve never really had that before. No one ever wanted me growing up, I was the ugly duckling of the family, the over artistic gay kid who never had a chance with anyone, I was constantly rejected, and for once someone actually wanted me. I just wanted to be wanted, I wanted to be the real me and I finally had an out to actually be me, so I took it.
So yes it happened, he leaned in and he kissed me and to be honest I actually felt happy again. The bad thoughts seemed to disappear and I felt somewhat whole, not quite recovered but Massachusetts was a band aid that I needed. Someone to back me away from the cliff and make me continue to live and stop acting like an idiot that wanted to end everything. I wasn’t a quitter and having that moment brought me back in a way I could never explain.
We both made promises to never tell anyone and he was my secret and I found it exhilarating. I continued the day with a fake smile and pretended that none of it happened. I made a quick lie to tell my friend who originally asked the question and I created a false tale of how it all happened with Tack. I finished my damage control and went to rehearsal after school.
That night I was staying with a good friend of mine named “Carol”. Carol and I were sitting on the couch talking and laughing preparing for our early morning rehearsal for the next day. We were all casted in the musical “Fiddler on the Roof” and unfortunately had to go in during our Thanksgiving break to rehearse which we were not very happy about.
Suddenly, my phone began to buzz and I looked and saw that my friend “Faith” was calling. I was slightly confused and wondered why she was calling and so I answered.
“Hey so I have a question.” She asked.
“Yeah what’s up?” I had no idea what it could have been and I was eager to find out what this wonderful question could be.
“So Massachusetts is going around and telling everyone that during Poetry in Motion you two made out in the stairwell. Is that true?”
I honestly till this day felt as if my heart has stopped and dread filled every vein in my body. I remember I went into shock and I felt like the biggest idiot in the world. I was a fool, the biggest fool in the entire world. I didn’t know what to do at this point so I just hung up the phone and threw it on the ground. Carol noticed this and I honestly could not pretend as if it didn’t happen. I didn’t know what to do. I’ve never told anyone my secret and I was in a position in which I would have to confess. I couldn’t come up with a lie and I couldn’t act like nothing was going on. Carol asked me what was going on and I couldn’t answer and then suddenly Faith was calling again.
I didn’t know that originally Faith had me on speaker phone in which “Kylie” was listening the entire time as she questioned me. I answered the phone again and Faith asked again and I honestly don’t remember exactly what I had said. I just remember Faith and Kylie saying the following:
“If you did we don’t care!” said Faith.
“I actually care…” said Kylie
My heart sunk when I heard that. I didn’t know why Kylie would even care that it happened and it began to be a proven truth that everyone would find a way to disown me if they knew. I hung up the phone and I was in shock and there was zero chance of hiding it.
I had to tell Carol everything that happened. I left out minor details but she got the picture, it was the most excruciating experience I’ve ever had to do. Carol was the first person I had pretty much come out to and it wasn’t by choice either, I was forced too, I had too, there was no other way around it.
I was broken, why would Massachusetts do this to me? He knew I was on the brink of killing myself and I felt instead of pulling me away from the cliff, he pushed me over it and didn’t care about my demise. Now I felt really fucked because now everyone would know. Tack was one thing that I could control and keep tame, but Massachusetts? There was no way around it, no denying, no twisting the story to make it seem like it was nothing, I knew I had to deal with this head on and I didn’t have the strength.
Everyone would know and my reputation would be ruined forever, and my reputation was everything. I honestly have never felt this low in my life, so low that I actually was going to act on what I really wanted to do and that was end it all.
Thankfully, I had Carol to console me and her mother and for that I will forever be in their debt. Carol called Massachusetts and she called him out on his actions. Eventually Massachusetts called me apologizing, but the damage was done, and of course his mother (who is super Christian by the way) was hearing our conversation and she blamed me for the entire thing.
Yes, you heard me correctly, she blamed me. It was my fault that he son was gay, not him of course. Because you know, I was the only who totally initiated it and told everyone. If you can’t detect the sarcasm then you’re reading this wrong.
Everything was crashing down around me and if I was alone and not with Carol, then I honestly don’t think I would be here today. Carol’s mother had to give me a Xanax to calm me down and to back away from any deep thought that was pushing me to the brink of death. I would never condone giving minor’s unperscribbed drugs, but I needed it. It made me pass out; to keep me unable to do anything stupid.
The last thing I remember that night was looking up at Carol, barely keeping my eyes open, and telling her I wanted to die. I remember the tears rolling down my face because I thought my life was over. She simply told me to just sleep and she helped me calm down because tomorrow would be another day.
Tomorrow was another day and that day was rehearsal. I woke up and I felt worse than the day before. The pain literally made me want to crawl in a hole and stay there. Carol and I rode together to rehearsal and I remember that entire day going off to be alone so I could just lay down and be alone. Massachusetts was there also, because he was the lead in the musical which was another sting to my ego.
Suddenly one of my guy friends Samuel kept coming up to me and asking if I was okay. I was curious to why he wanted to talk to me and kept asking if I was okay. I really believed that no one knew about the other day. It was then that we were waiting for the next scene to rehearse that he leaned over and asked me if Massachusetts and I had made out the day before.
That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I looked at him and everything finally snapped. I decided that I was going to punish Massachusetts for doing this to me, I was going to end it and he would have to live with this for the rest of his life. I didn’t answer Samuel and instead got up and went straight to my Drama teacher’s classroom; I knew she kept a bottle of aspirin or something of that nature in a filing cabinet. I knew the pills wouldn’t kill me but I wanted to prove a point, a point that said, “This is what happens when you force someone out of the closet”. I ran to the classroom and grabbed the bottle out of the cabinet and I was about to open it and swallow them whole when I broke down crying. It was my first melt down since yesterday and it was all coming out at once.
Have you ever cried so hard you thought you would die? That everything was hitting you all at once and you couldn’t handle it? That was me, I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t even function. I was about to open the bottle when Samuel walked in and sat down next to me. If you noticed, I haven’t changed Samuels name, he honestly was one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. He was one of my closest guy friends who knew I was gay and honestly didn’t care, he accepted me for who I was and for that I will never forget that.
Samuel told me he didn’t care and that I should blow off Massachusetts. I asked him how he knew and Samuel told me that Massachusetts told everyone in sight.
That’s when the sadness left and the anger entered. I was going to attack Massachusetts and I didn’t care if I got in trouble. I knew that fucker was on stage and I was going to grab something and I was going to beat the shit out of him in front everyone and God and I didn’t give one fuck. I lost everything already, so I had nothing left to loose.
I got up and ran back into the auditorium and I grabbed a glass bottle and I was standing off the wings of the stage. I remember all I could see was red and I was about to rush at him when I stopped and realized what I was doing. I stopped myself because I knew that if I attacked him, then defiantly everyone would know what happened. It would be a 100 percent possibility that everyone would find out and the rumor would spread like wild fire.
So I didn’t do anything. I simply just stood there. Watched him on stage and realized that he won, he had completely destroyed me. I trusted him and I was stabbed in the back and I was left with the shaking question of who could I trust now days?
I don’t remember much after that, all I remember is going home and taking a huge handful of Benadryl and swallowing them, I know that’s stupid but I didn’t care if I overdosed, I just wanted to get away as soon as possible. I wanted to sleep for as long as I could; if I could sleep then I wouldn’t be awake to deal with everything. Carol and her mother were very worried about me and called me repeatedly till I woke up and answered them. So for that I will always be gracious for their worry and care.
The worst part was that the entire Thanksgiving break I had to deal with all of this alone. I couldn’t tell anyone, not even my best friend in the entire world because I was afraid she would disapprove which I regret feeling till this day. I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone because I would be the biggest hypocrite considering that I had reported Massachusetts for touching me too much and for the complaints I made about him. I would be a liar and a hypocrite and I felt like I was stuck.
When Thanksgiving break ended, I went back to school and tried to pretend none of it happened. I even told Massachusetts that I forgave him so things could be civil and so he would keep his mouth shut. But deep down I knew I would never forgive him. People have asked me why I would forgive Tack and not Massachusetts and here’s why: Massachusetts knew my state of mind and yet he still told. He made promises that he would never tell because he knew I was suicidal and yet he didn’t care, he told anyway. He didn’t care if I died or not, he wanted to gossip and I was the victim of it.
He made me the weakest I’ve ever been and I will never forgive him for that. He is someone that has no thought of other people and what they’re going through, he just wants to be popular and he did it by destroying others around him. I’ve never been pushed that far in my life and the entire year I was trying to get over the betrayal while he laughed and had the time of his life.
Writing this story down has been tough because I’ve only told one other person this story and that was my best friend, and I regret till this day not telling her sooner. But in a way I was about to find out who was there for me and who wasn’t. Carol, her mother, Samuel, and my best friend, they actually cared for me and for that I will never forget that kindness.
But I wanted to tell this story because it needs to be told and this is a prime example of never telling someone’s secret. You never know what it could lead too. I am thankful till this day that I had people to stop me from what I wanted to do, without them I don’t know where I would be. I was willing to throw everything that I worked for away over someone who enjoyed ruining lives. I was willing to lose it all for what? He would never care if I died, he would say “Oh no” and just continue on like nothing happened. The true loser would’ve been me in the end and I’m glad I was stopped every which way.
Yes, I was forced out of the closet and yes it hurt like hell. But I lived through it and I am alive and I am stronger. It’s just sometimes, I wish I could’ve came out in my own way instead of that way. I just hope Massachusetts learns that telling secrets can harm someone, but I highly doubt he will ever learn that lesson.
So Massachusetts, what you did is between you and God, and for that, have fun.