If I don't force myself to be social, I go nuts. It's like I have to practice being social; like it's a hobby that I will momentarily lose if I stay out of touch with it.
It's like that old sport we used to play in elementary school when you're hanging out with your friends and they pull out a basketball and you try to make a shot and end up throwing it completely behind your head. If I keep up with it, I'm not that bad. I'm a pretty social person, but if I close myself up and choose to be alone for too long, then I just lose it. I forget my connections to people and I'm not my usual self.
It's most noticeable when I find myself in a crowded room with people and I'm struggling to hold the most basic of conversations with people that are my friends. My head gets clouded and I don't really understand what's going on. I'm usually pretty good at this. "Put a joke in here," I think. "Stop. Now you're talking too much."
There's no in-between. It's either I'm way too talkative or I don't talk at all. Whenever people meet me for the first time, their first impressions are either, "Wow, She's so outgoing and talkative," or "She's very shy." It truly depends on what mood I'm in and how I'm feeling that day. If I'm comfortable with the people I'm with, then I will be more outgoing. But put me in an awkward situation and I will react equally awkward to it. I think it's also because of how people react to my humor. If they don't like it, then I can't hold the conversation, because I can't communicate without humor.
I think it's also because I'm also expected to be the comic relief of every conversation I'm in. Everyone knows me as the funny girl, so if I can't have a "good" interaction with someone then I see it as a disappointment. It's almost as if it's set in my head that I can't talk or have anything come out of my mouth without it being funny. I'm worried that if I'm not funny I'll lose sight of who I am. Without that one adjective to describe me, I have nothing. I feel like everyone can be described using multiple words, but I'm just known as "funny."
I wish I could end this article with a way to fix this problem that I have and help other people reading this, but if I'm being completely honest, I haven't found the answer to this. I know I'm more than a singular adjective, but sometimes it's hard to see yourself in a light that is different than how you've always seen yourself. I know shouldn't be so hard on myself, but it's natural. I'm working on that, which I think is almost as good as fixing the problem. At least I'm trying.