I remember once I bought a poster of a girl and was so scared to put it up. All the girls I knew had posters of guys plastered all over their walls. What would everyone think of this? At that time, I was confused about my sexuality and had been confused for years. I kept to myself about it. I didn't even know for sure what my feelings were, so how was I supposed to explain it to somebody else? That's what I thought at the time.
I started denying the thought of me liking girls at all. I would think romantically about girls all the time, but then I would shun it away like it was forbidden.
Freshman year came. I had a boyfriend, and I hated it. I would have to be forced to hang out with him. It was nothing he did, I just felt awkward and very uncomfortable. Then, Sophomore year, I dated a boy. I ended up dating the asshole for 2 years. Yes, I loved him. Through and through.
But looking back at the relationship, it seems so weird to me that I loved him. I forget completely how exactly that felt, to love him. I can't recall it. I remember the fights, I remember the good times, but my heart can't grasp what it felt like to love him. It's hard to explain, really. And that's because I'm still very confused about the whole thing.
I look at boys, and have the ability to find them attractive. But It's almost impossible for me to romantically like any boy, even one I end up dating or spending a lot of time with. I am incapable of seeing a future of any sort with any boy. I just see an attraction, if that.
But with girls, it's the contrary. I see a future, I see romance, I see love.
I have always felt this, but denied it because I was scared of those very feelings.
It's hard for me to say this because so many people think that me going back and forth, in and out of confusion means that I'm "looking for attention". And I have a fear that if I say this, it's a permanent branding on who I must be, or else I was lying. When in reality, I'm only finding myself.
Attention is the last thing I'm looking for. What I'm looking for is to discover myself, and that's it. I'm not looking for people to like me, I'm not looking for people to accept me.
It's so sad that as a society, we put labels on so much that it pressures people to decide what and who they are before they even know themselves. Then, later when they start to truly discover who they are, they are shunned for not knowing sooner because now they're "lying." Everyone has a pace. Some people know who they are and want to be. With others, it takes time, and growth.
It's thought of as unacceptable to be confused. This is because of all the labels we paste onto everything. I never understood why we can't just be people who like people.
What I have to say to people who judge me for being confused is:
Fuck off. I'm figuring myself out. Clearly you are too because you're still insecure enough to judge me. Just because I'm not a "Gold Star Lesbian" and have been with men does not mean I am not attracted to women. Just because I denied my sexuality due to my judgmental environment, and am deciding to come out at a later date, does not mean I'm "following the trend." Just because I am still very confused about my sexuality, does not mean I am looking for attention. Believe me, I don't care if anybody gives me a lick of attention. This is about me and me. Nobody else.
If someone ever feels comfortable enough to come to you on such a matter and you respond with judgment, you are a horrible, insecure person. If you have ever said "But you've been with men/women, you can't be lesbian/gay." or "You've never even been with a girl/guy." You need to wake up. People aren't perfect. We don't wake up and know exactly who we are. Even if we do know, if our environments and the people around us don't seem accepting, we will deny it, even to ourselves.
Turns out, the people who judged me for buying that poster of a girl didn't matter, and they never will.
You know who matters? Me. This is my life, my sexuality, my body, and I will figure things out at my own pace, and I DO NOT need your approval of it.
