I possess little to no parental instincts. I am the youngest of three siblings. I have not had a single moment where I have had to exercise care and empathy reminiscent of a parent. It is for this reason that I do not see the appeal in these tiny humans; babies and such.

They cry, they poop, they cannot talk. They are not very dynamic, but they come with more stress and responsibility than I can fathom right now. I was pretty much sold on not liking kids when this happened. Once upon a time, there was -- well, me. Me was trying his hardest to flirt with the princess in the tallest tower. I even remembered to put deodorant on both pits this time. I was laying down the smoothest lines I could muster when all of a suddenly, princess saw a random baby. Granted, she knew the people who sired this neonatal crusher of fun and dreams. They relinquished control of this baby to her, and she came back to talk to me. She raved about how cute this baby was. She even asked me to weigh in. Alas, I had lost to a baby. I covered both pits for nothing. I responded and expressed how little I cared about the baby or his basketball onesie. The princess told me right there (I remember this quote so clearly), "Wow. You should grow a heart and learn to like babies. Guys who are good with kids are the greatest. You are probably going to die alone."

Are you kidding me? "Die alone," she says. This exchange concreted in my mind that the little ones are definitely not for me. I have included some evidence that should drive home why kids suck. Enjoy.

Exhibit A

Throw out the diaper, the pants, the baby, the carpet, the all of it.

Oh. Forget about that "sleep" thing

Birthing a child hurts you know

We have the science to prove it.

But...

I may one day have a child. My perspective may change. Don't get me wrong, I want nothing more than to be half as happy as the stereotypical white family featured in a stock photo. But for right now, kids are just not my bag.