"Stop caring so much."
If you're going through a break-up, it's likely that you've heard those words. While well-intended, this advice can often feel like a personal blow. And, if you're recently single, it probably triggers a long-winded introspection. Caring is often seen as a sign of weakness or an inability to let go. Before you start blaming yourself, consider this - vulnerability is the ultimate expression of selflessness. And letting go of self-imposed standards is the first step to healing.
In fact, the key to moving on may be as simple as loving more. Though it may seem counterproductive, this mindset actually works for two main reasons:
1) You're in pain because you didn't love enough.
It's easy to mistake lust, or even extreme like for love, but the difference is this: when you really love somebody, you want what's best for them. Not what you think they want, but what they really need. It's as simple as listening. I'm guilty of this myself - I think I understand, but I haven't listened - that is, without putting my own filter on the situation. Listening without bias requires practice, but will vastly improve any and all relationships in your life. Setting aside personal agendas and quieting subconscious, albeit selfish desires is the ultimate expression of love.
Love them enough to let go. Love yourself enough to move on.
2) You let ego do the talking.
The only way to absolve pain is to understand its source. While we often assume the key to moving on is letting go of the other person, that's not usually the case. The majority of the time, pain is born from ego. During relationships, we build expectations that stimulate desires. Unfortunately, life is unpredictable and plans often fall through. Vulnerability is an acquired taste. It's presumptuous to assume that anyone lives without walls. Building boundaries is instinctual. We do it to protect ourselves, but with extreme emotions like love, anger or disappointment, it gets increasingly difficult to maintain this facade. You simply care too much, but that's not the problem, it's a symptom. You're holding on to a previously established idea of who you're supposed to be, how you're supposed to react and what you're supposed to do. This is a reflection of inflexibility, which is derived from the desire for consistency. This is human, but it hinders your progress.
It's not about fighting the craving for consistency. It's about learning how to live with, and redirect it. Relationships are unpredictable, but you create and maintain your own reality. You may not be able to predict people's patterns, but it's certainly feasible to monitor your own.
Healing is individualized, but it doesn't have to be complicated. Ultimately, it's all about perspective. Let them tell you that you care too much. Let them judge, but remember this: those who care more, experience more. More love. Perhaps, even more heartbreak. Most importantly, more life.
