About a year and a half ago, my best friend inadvertently pointed out a habit of mine that I hadn't picked up on in 21 years of life. Something that, for me, had been compulsory since I was old enough to be told to sit down and shut up, and a thing I did at every interval that no one found fault with before.

"Dude, you don't have to apologize for going to the bathroom."

I hadn't realized that I was the type of person who apologized for everything. I thought it was normal, that I was supposed to do that, maybe because I always had.

Now that I'm paying attention, I realize just how often I do apologize -- if I'm taking too long at the printer, if I accidentally misstep and might have gotten in someone's way, even just giving someone handouts in class in an untimely manner.

I've often been told that girls (or people in general) who constantly apologize are "annoying." Yeah, believe me pal, I would love to stop doing it. It is annoying, especially for those of us who do it. But for some people, it goes beyond a societal expectation and is more likely the result of, oh, I don't know, the way we've been treated in our lives. Stop the presses. Try to contain your shock.

Lately, though, I've also noticed that it goes beyond the constant apologies. For the most part, I try to stay as quiet as possible, making myself as small and inconvenient and, frankly, unnoticeable as I can. When I am forced to speak up, I constantly backtrack and stutter, trying to compensate for the imaginary irritation I can see in the listener's face.

Any inconsequential mistake has me preemptively saying, "God, I'm an idiot, ignore me." Even with close friends, talking about things that interest me, I find myself saying, "I know it's stupid," or, "It's dumb, just forget it."

Of course, I also turn around and get mad the second people see me the way I perpetuate myself. I try to make myself not seen, I try to act like I'm not there.

I tell myself it's for the convenience of others, or maybe it's easy enough to chalk up to my neuro-divergence. But recently, I've been grappling with the truth -- it's because I feel like the things I do don't really matter.

The constant apologizing, the fading into the background, even the way I label myself as weird, dumb or stupid, I have to admit is annoying. I know it is, but I can't stop doing it.

I find myself so unbelievably envious of people who are comfortable taking up space, making noise, liking things and existing without having to be contrite about it. I am so bitter towards people who can express opinions without walking on eggshells, who can speak up for themselves when they need something. Hell, I'm even jealous of people who can have outbursts when they're upset about something. I can't even imagine being that emotionally charged or that at ease with my own existence to do any of these things.

Any time I assert myself in any situation, I find myself so racked with guilt for causing a scene, no matter how many times the other person assures me that it's OK. I find myself apologizing even after I'm told I don't have to.

Again, it's not something I can particularly help. If I could, then believe me, I'd stop.

This isn't an easy matter to explain to people, but at the same time, I'm sure I'm not the only one who gets this. I'm sure I have some deep rooted psychological issues that I'll have to work out for myself, but it's hard to keep it to myself when people don't understand why I can't really help it.

So yes, here comes sappy, emotional anecdote.

I won't get too deep into specifics because, frankly, I don't want to, but growing up, I always had issues with acceptance, for a good number of reasons. For one, I was mentally ill, for another, I was just plain weird. I had peculiar interests, I had very few friends (probably for that reason alone) and I was one of very few low income kids at a private, conservative school and the only one who was "white trash" without a father. I wasn't a particularly good looking child, I was very introverted and to top it all off, I was creative, but not in a way that was considered "academically" intelligent. Universally, by the people involved in my life, I wasn't just unaccepted. I was horribly criticized; way too much for a little kid.

I was no one's favorite person. Why? See above, take your pick. But by the age of 10, I realized just how little I -- as an individual -- mattered. And it depresses me to this day.

There's really no other way to describe it. I spent a good deal of my formative years having my interests completely invalidated (discouraged, or worse, flat out taken away), being compared to my friends unfavorably and being told (implicitly or not) to stay in the background while the pretty / smart / good kids shone.

It got to the point where I didn't want to be around people anymore. All I ever heard was how weird, fat or dumb I was. The amount of spoken and unspoken, "Jesus Christ, no one cares," type remarks eventually got the best of me. And while I have no way of knowing whether or not that was the intent, I just pushed my individuality down so that no one had to see it.

And in turn, could just ignore me.

This isn't meant to be a sob story, though I can definitely see how it can come off as such. This also isn't meant to be some kind of greater commentary on society, shaming children for their interests or even some kind of "be nicer to others" type call to action.

If anything, this is really an explanation for the people who interact with me on a day to day basis.

I'm awkward, I'm weird, I'm super cold and distant. I will never be the person to reach out first, nor will I tell you if I have a problem, no matter how many times you offer. I've essentially shut that part of myself down because for 19 or so years, I had no choice. For the longest time, my voice didn't matter to anyone but me. And even at that, it was debatable.

I'm trying. It's the best I can offer at this point.

I would love to sit here and say that I'm at my f*ck it point, that I'm reclaiming my worth and I'm gonna raise my voice at every given opportunity.

As anyone who has been in my position can attest, this isn't such a simple thing to do.

I know people get annoyed and frustrated. From your place of privilege, it's easy to be bothered by my constant apologizing and passivity.

I do not know how to not do that. I am working on it. I am trying.

If it's not good enough for you?

Well, sorry about it.