I’ve always been the girl that never had a solid group of friends. Sure, I’ve found friend groups that I’ve somewhat fit in with and I’ve bounced between a few of them for years, however, each time I am pushed away and left on my own. I’ve never been the girl that has a specific group of friends that she belongs with and spends lots of time with. Often, when I’m walking down the sidewalk with friends I’ve been pushed to the back of the group and been forced to walk alone. I’m typically the last person to be informed of plans, if informed of them at all, unless I create them myself. When I am invited, it usually feels like a pity invite and I feel guilty accepting. My phone does not receive any messages unless I make sure to send one first, and even then I rarely receive a response. Somehow, I’m always left out of the conversations or forgotten about.
The feeling of loneliness often haunts me as I long for these friendships that others have been so blessed with. No, I’m not saying that I don’t have friends that I love dearly, because I do and I’m very lucky to have them in my life. However, I just sometimes wonder what it would be like to have the kinds of friendships that others have. To have people to hang out with whenever I please. To have a group of people to lean on no matter the circumstances. I know that it may be selfish of me to not consider what I have enough, it’s just awful to constantly feel like you don’t belong. I do believe, however, that I have been made stronger because of this. Bouncing around from friend group to friend group has taught me to keep my guard up because to some people, you are more disposable than you may believe.
Being left out has taught me to keep my secrets close to home as you never know what others are saying behind your back. And last but not least, I have learned to appreciate and cherish that few friends that have stuck by my side for years, as they have proven to be loyal and kind-hearted. While my self-esteem has been depleting for years due to this issue, I have grown to understand people better. I have grown to understand myself better. I have learned that while I may wish for these friendships, I can survive without them. I have also learned that I cannot settle for just any friend group but I must wait for the right one because one day it WILL come and I will stop feeling left out and forgotten. One day, all of this waiting will have been well worth it. I can only hope that day comes sooner rather than later.
