An apology is a familiar acknowledgment of injury or inadequacy. An apology can mend broken relationships or heal open wounds. An actual apology has meaning when it is said. But what happens when an apology becomes something you say so often, it becomes nothing but a reflex?
If you are someone who says "sorry" too much, the word in your vocabulary can be compared to conversation fillers such as "like" or "um." Sorry becomes an innocuous phrase that precedes most anything that you say. You hate that you say "sorry" so much, but you can’t stop doing it.
“Sorry to bother you.”
“Sorry, but can I ask you something?”
“Sorry, could I get some more water, please? ”
Often, when you say sorry too much, the phrase turns on you. You are no longer only apologetic for things you shouldn’t be, but you also begin to apologize for things that aren’t your fault. You apologize for things that weren’t in your control and, in this way, you begin to undermine yourself.
“Sorry, I was hurt by something that you did to me.”
“Sorry for being so emotional.”
“Sorry for being sorry.”
Over-apologizing is a tendency that is usually associated with women. As a woman who over-apologizes and has observed how other females apologize too much, I can't deny this fact. There has been a movement in the media recently to tell women that they don’t need to apologize. The issues have been addressed in Pantene's viral commercial and even in a sketch by Amy Schumer. These videos are extremely sobering and almost painful to watch because the content is so spot on. Women apologize as a way to seem polite because being assertive, as society would tell them, makes them seem rude. The New York Times article "Why Women Apologize and Should Stop" explains this phenomenon:
One commonly posited theory, which informs everything from shampoo commercials to doctoral dissertations, is that being perceived as rude is so abhorrent to women that we need to make ourselves less obtrusive before we speak up. According to a 2010 study in the journal Psychological Science, 'women have a lower threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior,' so are more likely to see a need for an apology in everyday situations.
I realized I had a problem when one of my friends said to me, "Stop apologizing! You don't need to apologize for everything you do!" When I first heard this, I was taken aback and almost offended. I was just trying to be nice. On second thought, I realized how much of an issue it is for me and most likely a lot of other people. The quote, "You're not an apology so why do you live like one?" (author unknown) has always resonated with me because I do, in fact, live my life like I am one, big walking apology.
It has taken me a long time to realize I have this habit, and it will likely take me just as long to break it, but this is something I am trying to work on. In my effort to stop apologizing I have researched and learned a few things that may help others to stop apologizing as well:
- Recognize that you may have a problem with over-apologizing. Try to observe how it is affecting your life and how it is reflecting on you.
- Use words other than sorry. Many times saying sorry is just an easy thing to do. There might be better words to use for your situation and sorry may not be one of them. Take a moment to think about what you could say other than sorry.
- Be aware that in some situations, you don't need to be sorry at all. If you don't have control over something, don't apologize!
Let's try to live our lives without apologizing for our existence. We are all trying to please others and get through life unscathed, but let's try not lose our self-worth in the process. Let's say sorry when we need to, not when we don't.
