Ah, Wisconsin - home of the Green Bay Packers. Yeah, we love our Packers up here in the Frozen Tundra.

Me? Eh, not so much. See, football is a thing I'm vaguely aware of. I guess I follow them, out of loyalty to my sports-loving family. But football is weird, and most sports aren't really my thing.

Oh, they're not your thing, either? Well, you're in luck, because here's a basic understanding of the weird, yet great American game (or is that baseball...?):

1. The Ellipti-ball

Alrighty, so first off, the ball used in football isn't even round. I may have a limited knowledge of sports in general, but even I know that balls are round. Therefore, a football is most certainly not a ball. It's a vaguely elliptical form rather than spherical; perhaps the term "ellipti-ball" would be more fitting.

However, it serves the function of what a ball does in sports - the player must send the object in use across the playing field away from themselves and towards a scoring location. This usually takes the form of a spherical ball, but being that this sport is weird, the object in use is the ellipti-ball. Or perhaps a hand egg...whatever name for the prop you wish to use is applicable. Except "ball," because it's not.

2. The cast

There's two teams - one playing offense and trying to score with the ellipti-ball, and one on the defense who try to stop the offense. They also trade functions throughout, cuz it's only fair. There's 11 players on each team, therefore making 22 players on the field at all times - no more, no less. Otherwise it'll result in a foul (which I'll get to later...).

They take on various roles in the game. There's the quarterback who throws or hands the ellipti-ball to one of the several receivers, who...well, they run away from the offense and past the defense so they can catch the ellipti-ball. There's the running back who runs. Like, a lot. Sometimes with the hand egg, sometimes not. There's a punter and a kicker, who are the only ones who make foot contact with the ellipti-ball. Which is weird, because it's called "football" for no reason...

And then there's all the other guys who crash into each other. Mostly so the offense can prevent the defense from smashing into the quarterback before he passes the hand egg, which will result in a "sack." Why there's so many other players on the field, when all that really matters is a few, I will never know.

3. The stage

The game is set on a 100 yard field, with white lines marking every ten yards, a special line marking the halfway point (the 50-yard line), and two special scoring locations called "endzones" where you can either kick the ellipti-ball into the gigantic yellow goalpost or touch it down into the endzone itself.

Probably why it's called a "touchdown" when you score...

4. The objective

The point of the game is to try and advance your team when in possession of the hand egg at least ten yards within four attempts. Also, within four fifteen-minute periods of time called "quarters."

Oh, and without being detained by the defensive team. Which should be easy, if not for the excessive amount of players trying to squash you at every moment.

More often than not, that objective is not achieved, for it is simply too difficult to get one ellipti-ball 30 feet away from starting position. But when it is achieved, the offense keeps moving down the field to the defense's endzone where they can score a few points. If they kick it in the goalposts, it's 3 points. Into the endzone, it's 6. Tack on a kick into the goalposts, and you've got an extra point. Try to get it into the endzone again, and it's an extra two points (called a two-point conversion, but it's not done often).

5. INTERMISSION!

Oh wait...sorry, it's actually called "halftime."

Same thing, really.

6. The fouls

There are way too many rules, and way too many ways to break them in this game. Sometimes I wonder if they're making up rules as they go along. But when rules get broken - even the imaginary ones - the referees call a foul and throw a yellow flag. Often it's for unnecessary roughness or too much touching of faces or starting too early or just people being dumb. Or my favorite, having the wrong number of players on the field.

These are also the reason why the game is so long - fouls are the biggest time-eaters of the game. That, and timeouts. which can be advantageous, I suppose, for it breaks the flow of the game? Alrighty then...

7. Strategy...?

I know nothing about this, but apparently it's a thing. There's different positions and ways to get the hand egg from point A to point B, but I don't see it. There'e two lines facing off, and then everything jumbles. That's what I see. Everything else that happens is lost on me.

There's probably a LOT more that I'm missing. I don't know what, but this is probably enough knowledge to go on the next time you accidentally wander into a room and the game's on, like I have done a few several times. It's certainly enough for me.

Enjoy the football season, everybody!