ARRRIIIIIIIIIIIIBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
Let's get some tequila, because let me tell you, nothing makes me happier than seeing people drunk on tequila. Tequila is one of the best things to come out of Mexico, which isn't hard when the country is all desert and drug cartels. Though that's beside the point, okay? We're going to talk about tequila. If you want to get 0-100 real quick, tequila is the way to go. Especially all my sorority girls, God bless you and your bravery. Dear lord, tequila can make an amazing night or a night filled with WTF moments that everyone Snapchatted -- that may or may not end up on Fail Friday on TFM.
Needless to say, in the great words of Rick James, “it's a hell of a drug." One that makes memories of a lifetime for others and gives you Alzheimer's while you're drunk on it. So let me give you the five stages of a tequila induced night.
Stage 1: (insert "Law and Order" music here) The Refusal
Look, let's not be coy, we've all seen what tequila does to the body, which is the exact reason why, with all the might that you could possibly muster, you will tell your friends, “F*CK NO." Which never works, because we're weak sick bastards that want to have a good time. That, or you don't want to look like a wimp in front of everyone. God forbid you be that A-hole that refuses a drink your “best friend" bought for you without asking.
Stage 2: (insert "Law and Order" music here) SHOTS ON SHOTS ON SHOTS
At this point, we've already take your first shot of mariachi's greatest hits and about to hear Napoleon Dynamite yell “Vote for Pedro" in your head. Let's be clear, it does not matter how you take your tequila, whether it's straight up Pancho Villa bang, bang, bang or the deception that is the margarita, the sorority go-to. Either way, once you're done with your third shot or second drink in Margaritaville, you only have 5 minutes of sanity left, exactly. Because tequila doesn't come with a tipsy option.
Stage 3: (insert mariachi band music here) Hola! Amigo!
Enjoy this moment, really do. This is the part of your life that will either flash before your eyes or become completely awesome. This is the part where your palms are sweaty, knees weak, and arms are heavy. For me, I slowly notice my vision blur and see the guy from the Tapatio Hot Sauce bottle -- who reminds me of my uncle Jorge -- walk towards me. Fun fact: it's honestly the only reason why I actually buy that hot sauce at Walmart. This is the moment where things are about to get real. Tequila has taken over.
(this is my actual uncle, f*ck off)
Stage 4: (insert Uncle Jorge mariachi music here) Jose Cuervo, Por Favor!!!
Lights, camera, action! Let the sneek and Snapping begin. Jose Cuervo is in town and brought you with him. Alzheimer's has taken over your short term memory -- this is when guys get creepy or funny and girls get Tavern-like or wobbly. But for some odd reason, you think you're raging so hard and that you're the coolest person at the bar/party. HA HA HA! If only Jose was so kind -- because, in reality, at this point you're so drunk that your soul has dipped out and your face looks like you stuck it in an oven and melted. You get a bit emotional and insane -- things get weird -- but man, are they going to make a great story, because that's tequila for you.
Stage 5: (insert "Law and Order" music here) The Aftermath
It's morning and “WTF happened to me last night????" mode has just set in. This is the part where you pray that you don't have class, but more than likely you do. Whatever dignity you had is gone, as you peek at the snap stories you and your “awesome" friends made on your Montezuma-induced adventure. You see pictures on your phone that you had no recollection of taking. You have 30 missed calls (10 from your mom) and texts of people asking, “Why did you call me at 4 this morning?" Which, by the way, you know why you called: either A) you were drunk and needed help, or B) you were thirstier than a drug cartel traitor left to die in the middle of the Mexican desert -- those are the only two reasons why that happened.
But as you slowly raise your mangled corpse out of bed or off the toilet seat (whatever suits your fancy), you see the disaster that you left in your wake with Charlie's Chicken/Hungry Howies/Cookout box in the corner. You realize that you are still wearing last's night armor, or got weird and woke up in your underwear. NEVER AGAIN!!!
Tequila, ladies and gentleman, is the drink that comes with more love and hate than any other. The fury of Montezuma's revenge and Diego Cortez. The spirit of everything we love about Mexico. Where the words “drink responsibly" do not apply, because tequila is the best friend you wish you never met, but oh-so-happy to know.
