I’ve never had food poisoning or any type of stomach issue. I rarely throw up to begin with. But after eating my first, delicious Five Guys burger, my body realized that it in fact was not safe for me, and felt the need to purge it from my body. I didn’t realize how bad food poisoning would be, and to be quite honest I don’t think I even had it that bad compared to others. Many describe food poisoning as the worst experience of their lives. I’ve broken it down into five stages -- which shockingly enough are a lot like the five stages of grief. Here’s what should go through your mind as you puke your guts out.
1. Denial
After your first round of puking, you must be pretty confused. Why did this happen? Are you sick? Could this have been a sting from a Crown of Thorns starfish which can induce vomiting? Although they primarily live on the Australian Coast and you probably would have noticed the large spines in your body before the puking began. Anyway, it’s pretty hard to admit that a dining establishment (such as Five Guys or that sketchy Indian place you swear is amazing) could do this to you. You will scream in between gags, “No! How could this be possible?” Even though you saw a worker drop a quarter in the sauce, wipe his nose with his hand, and then proceed to plunge his bare hands into the pot to fish out that precious quarter. You definitely have food poisoning. Tough shit. Get ready for either a shit-storm or puke tsunami. The best thing is, you don’t get to pick.
2. Anger
After your second round of vomiting, it’s pretty obvious you have food poisoning. Congratulations! You’ve officially emerged into the the second phase of having food poisoning. You’re two-fifths of the way there. Unfortunately, it’s only downhill from here. By this point, you’re pretty pissed off. You’ve thrown up twice, your mouth tastes gross and your friends have left for dead and thrown you outside in fear of contracting some disease. As you sit there, in your underwear, freezing your ass off in the middle of the night, you realize that this would have never happened if it weren’t for molecular biology. You start to get angry at the cellular system, that it has cursed your body by having to consume food to produce energy. This is pretty normal. The anger will subside, but it only gets worse in the next stage.
3. Bargaining
After lying in bed for a few hours, sitting in agony, unable to fall asleep, you’ll start to make deals…with someone, or something. The Devil? God? Michael Jackson? In that sleep deprived state, you’re able to talk to other beings. You begin to plead with them to end your pain. You start to offer them things. Your money, your body, your first born child. I know I offered them all three when I went through this. You’d give your right butt cheek, with a side of your soul to cease the rumbling in your tummy. Then as the deal with the devil falls through you’ll move on to the next stage of food poisoning.
4. Depression
After all the begging and pleading ends up in just another round of vomiting, you will fall into a deep sadness. As your tears and mucus mix with the last of the vomit, you’ll begin the most violent part of the night. Barely moving from the toilet, you’ll sit over the porcelain throne and just be so sad. Like way too sad. It’s almost over, I promise. Just power through…or cry. Either way, you’re going to make it.
5. Acceptance
At last, you’ve finally accepted that you have food poisoning. It was tough going but you made it. Now just six or seven more rounds of puking and you’ll be all done. Just lie down in bed and wait. Then go back to the toilet. Back and forth. Now that you’ve stopped fighting it, it’ll be easier. Just kidding. It’s going to suck either way. You’re going to puke, sh*t, gag and all other types of fun things. But you’re almost there, just a few more hours. Or a couple days. And the next couple days are going to be even worse as you recover from all that “poison” leaving your body. Chances are someone went all "Game of Thrones" on your ass and did actually try to poison you, and your body just saved your life. So be thankful that your body has this crappy reflex (get it? It’s a pun). Hope your day gets better, and you don’t ever have to crap yourself to save your ass ever again.
