Before I lost someone close to me, I thought that grief fades away after the first few months. I remember being confused as to why someone was crying over their loved one who had passed away more than a year ago.
I wanted to ask them "Shouldn't you be okay by now?'
When I did lose someone close to me, I had so much more respect to those who went through the grieving process. Just as you should never tell a person with depression to stop being sad you should never tell a person who's grieving to get over it. Be sensitive and caring because a person is their most vulnerable when they are grieving.
While I went through the grieving process, I realized that there are many misconceptions and stigmas surrounding the grieving process.
It starts the day that they pass
When I lost my grandfather the summer before my senior year, my stomach felt like it flipped upside down. I thought that this was the beginning of the grieving process. I was wrong. It didn't start until months after his funeral when we continued life without him. It started when I got a card and it only said one grandparent's name, or when I wanted to tell him that I got accepted into college but couldn't. It didn't start until I'm was in church without him and I wasn't hearing his beautiful voice behind me.
It doesn't start until everyone forgets about it and you're stuck in the thick of it.
If they weren't your immediate family you shouldn't be affected.
While I've lost someone who was the center of my family, I've also lost people that weren't even in my family. It still stings because you are grieving for that person's immediate family. It doesn't matter how close or distant you were with that person, seeing that empty chair on holidays and family gatherings or the thought of not seeing their face ever again still hurts as much as it did the first day without them.
Grief eventually fades away.
This is the biggest misconception I've heard. This summer will mark two years without my grandfather, and it still hurts like crazy. I still tear up when I hear an elderly man singing the bass line at church, or when I see someone in a bowtie. Little things hurt just as much as the big things. It never truly goes away. Sometimes it's a tsunami and sometimes its a raindrop.
No one just gets over the death of a loved one, and it will always always hurt.
Life goes back to the way it was before.
Life will never be the same after you lose someone, it's just a new and uncomfortable normal. Seeing my grandmother walk in alone that first Christmas made me realize that things won't ever be the same. This new normal is a tough change and its just something you have to get used to.
It only hurts on the annivesaries, birthdays, or holidays.
As Michelle Obama put it:
"It hurts to live after someone has died. It just does. It can hurt to walk down a hallway or open the fridge. It hurts to put a pair of socks or brush your teeth. Food tastes like nothing. Music hurts, and so do memories. You look at something you'd otherwise find beautiful- a purple sky at sunset or a playground full of kids-and somehow it only deepens the loss".
When I lost my grandfather it seemed like everything broke me. Senior year was a tough year for me stress on top of my grief made everything worse. I spent many mornings in my car giving myself pep talks to get through the day. Little things would break me that didn't before, and I questioned why I was fragile. I realized that it was because everything hurts after you've lost someone and sometimes its on a regular day.
