June 2015

So it’s the beginning of the end, but we aren’t really ready to admit that we’re officially on a countdown because it doesn’t feel like our whole world is about to shift just yet. I still have plenty of mornings left to wake up in my own bed, plenty of lazy nights to spend in watching movies with you. We still have plenty of you and me left, but in reality — we don’t, at least not in the same way. My high school graduation marks the real beginning of our countdown. The weeks after are spent in a state of in-between — half present at home, half thinking ahead to the day I’ll leave for college. As much as we both don’t want to admit it, we don’t know how to be apart for months at a time. As much as I’d like to think I know how to be independent, the one person I know I’ll always need no matter what, is you.

August 2015

Our countdown has run out. We’re in the car on the way to a school I am still only vaguely familiar with, and I’m a mess of nerves and excitement and anticipation. You’re holding my hand in the backseat and I need it in a way that I haven’t in years. I can feel our time together running out, at least for now, and I know I’m not ready to watch you go. Instead of telling me how much you’ll miss me and how hard we both know these first few weeks will be, you leave me with the only words of encouragement I needed in that moment: “I’ve left a big piece of my heart at SJU and I couldn’t be prouder. I love you. Mom.” Because you were strong, I knew I could be, too.

January 2016

I’ve started a new countdown, and I’m halfway through. My first semester is over, and somehow I’ve learned to feel less homesick and more present in a new community of friends and classes that I’ve fallen in love with. I’ve already started to grow into a new person, and I like who I’ve become because I know I’m someone you’re proud of. I’m slowly learning that I can live without you, but I’ll never want to live without you.

April 2016

The countdown to the end of my freshman year is almost over, and I’m proud of both of us because: we did it. We learned how to live with phone calls and infrequent visits and we were okay. You know better than I do how hard it is to leave after every vacation because I feel like I’m leaving a piece of myself behind. I know that I should tell you that more often. As much as I miss you when I’m gone, I couldn’t love you more for giving me space and allowing me the time to grow and experience a new life in college on my own. But most importantly, thank you being my constant best friend, together or apart.