The holiday season is a time for family, love, happiness...but this holiday season has me feeling incredibly blue without my grandpa.
In my household, the holiday season has always revolved around my grandparents. Thanksgiving dinner at their house, Christmas morning by their side — my grandma and grandpa never fail to make it feel special and warm and festive. Each and every year, I look forward to the joyous belly laughs, tight hugs, and timeless pictures. Together.
This holiday season is different because Grandpa isn't here anymore. We're all pushing through, placing genuine smiles on our faces to warm each other's hearts, but there is a frigid corner of our souls that are longing for his love. The holiday season has always been so family-centric for me but missing a family member is making it so incredibly blue.
My head turns slowly to look at his spot at the crowded Thanksgiving dinner table, and my soul shivers. I dread glancing over at his place by the Christmas tree on Christmas morning and seeing an airy emptiness because I know my soul will hurt. At Christmas dinner, I will miss eating his favorite dessert with him and planning to go see a movie the next day. My soul still crumbles when I think of our last day-after-Christmas movie plans fallen through. I miss him every day, but this holiday season hits the hardest.
I miss buying him gift cards to his favorite places we go together, like the movies or Bob Evans.
I miss giving him a hug Christmas morning, the warmth of his coffee thawing my cold hands.
I miss his fireplace video on the TV.
I miss him blasting Christmas music on the garage radio as the grandkids play with their new toys outside.
I miss his laughs and smiles that could light up a room.
I never could have imagined the pain of missing someone so much during such a special time of year. The pain is surreal, and the sadness is like a thickening fog. How can one truly be happy when it feels like part of your soul has frozen over where it used to be warmed with unconditional love?
I'm pushing through, as we all are, but for anyone experiencing their first holiday season without a loved one — I'm so sorry.
I understand you. I feel you. And we will get through this — we all just need to remember that they are like a guardian angel on our shoulder, watching over us and always there. By our side, warming our hearts, even if we can't always feel it.
So while my tears flow for the person I wish was here on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and every day before, after, and in-between, I know he's there. And he doesn't want the belly laughs to stop or the tight hugs to cease. He wants the pictures to be snapped, and he wants everyone together with Grandma as usual. Because the holiday season is about family, love, and happiness... and even though we can't see him relishing in it with us, he is right there soaking it all in.
The pain of the first holiday season without the person you love is fierce, but truly, it is never completely without them.
