To say it's taken me almost twenty-one years to find and believe in my faith of a higher power isn't an exaggeration. Sure, in previous years I tried to convince myself that I knew there was something that was pulling the strings of my life or directing where I walked on a particular day. No matter how many times I tried to remind myself of higher beings or how many sticky notes I strategically placed around my home, my car, and my binders to remind myself to believe, nothing ever stuck. These were meaningless reminders tied to what others suggested I believed.
For the past eight months I have set my past aside, as best as I could, and done everything, I mean everything, with the purpose of benefitting myself, hopefully leading to a better path that would end with me as a happier person. While my journey is far from done – in fact, there is no end in sight – I have developed these three ideas that have left me believing in something more than myself.
1. There is always something to believe in.
From belting Hosana in the chapel during my Kindergarten years to claiming that there was absolutely nothing "higher" that existed, I have been at both ends of the spectrum of faith. In the past few months, I let go of trying to believe in something that resonated with me. It was during this time that I realized my faith is everywhere. As David Foster Wallace recognizes in his speech, This is Water, "there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship." I have been given a chance to worship and to choose what it is that I worship.
2. It doesn't have to have a name. It doesn't have to have a place.
Some call their god by a name. Some say they have seen their god. Some say they have heard their god. I am not in these "some." I am not claiming that I am unique or one-of-a-kind, but I am saying that I went through the trials and tribulations of feeling lost. For years, I wondered why I hadn't seen my god. Why couldn't I hear my god? Where was my god? It wasn't until I practically gave up on searching for my god that I realized something essential to my beliefs. My faith lies within me and within those that surround me. It rests in the sunshine and ground that I walk in. Go ahead. Call me a hippie. But this is what I believe. It is what works for me and what has rooted me more than trying to see or hear a voice that came from the heavens.
3. Your faith should matter to no one else except yourself.
Hate is everywhere. Regardless of how far we have come, it is still nearly impossible to avoid hatred, judgment, and negativity. When considering your faith, like many other things, you should not be considering how another person might view your beliefs. Your decision in faith and what you believe does not depend on your best friend's values or your parents' suggestions. It's difficult, I know. But as time progresses and you become more independent and confident in the person you are, finding, believing, and trusting in something will become easier. With the constant worry of what others' think, it is highly unlikely that you will establish a relatable and reliable truth for yourself. It was when I let go of the repeating thoughts that others wouldn't understand my faith, that I was able to trust something that applies to each day.
Don't get me wrong. I would never ask to forget the past suggestions of others. Yes, there were times when I wanted to scream at hearing someone say: Maybe you need to find God. The trial and error of trying to believe in something led me to know what I believed in and what was irrelevant in my life. It's sort of like dating – after a few relationships, you realize what you like and what you don't want. My relationship with faith works this same way.
Ultimately, my faith has welcomed an opportunity for me to be less hard on myself and more open to new experiences. While I hope that my faith will continue to develop, grow, and become more prevalent in my life, I am thankful for how I have prospered from its presence in my life throughout these past eight months. While it may be irrelevant at times, I do believe that there comes a time in each individual's life where the doors of faith are opened. I hope that each person has the opportunity to walk through those doors.
