As a girl who has been in nonstop relationships since I was 16, I never really gave myself the time to find out how I could grow on my own. Each haircut, outfit purchased or pair of shoes bought were all chosen based on how my current special someone would react to it or how tall I would look compared to him. I hadn't given much thought towards my own opinion of myself and who I was becoming. I just latched on to the next sweet guy and let him influence how I thought or felt. Now, I am in college and I'm at the terrifying age where people start finding the people they will plan to spend the rest of their lives with.
The idea of marriage and commitment can be frightening to a nineteen-year-old. After a few years of hopping around different relationships, I found out that I am a little afraid of being alone as well, and people weren't afraid to let me know. I am scared, as I'm sure many are, that if I don't have someone to always lean on, that I will fall whenever I am faced with conflict or trials. In a relationship, you always have someone to cry on, someone who will help you get through tough decisions and help you cope with loss. Don't get me wrong—I am a huge advocate for healthy relationships and loving couples. I just also happen to be an advocate for individualism and what it means to be your own person.
Looking back at myself, I am ashamed of how I hid behind whichever relationship I was in at the time. In an era of feminism and equal rights, a girl, or guy for that matter, should never have to shape their actions or thoughts around what they "think" everyone else will approve of. I knew this, I just didn't exactly practice it in the way that I knew I should have. While relationships can be amazing and wonderful for the soul, it is very important to also take a step back to find out who you are in this world and how you can contribute to it.
Life in college can be super crazy and tricky to navigate. Between homework deadlines and working late night shifts, the fact is that it's just not easy to add the drama/joy of having a special someone during the decade of decisions, and that is okay. It's okay to need time. It's okay to take a break from the relationship part of your life and to just focus on you.
Finding myself, whatever that even means, will take time. It is going to be unquestionably interesting and I'm sure a tiny bit scary. The fact is that no matter what relationship or circumstance I find myself in the future, I need to be able to hold my own identity. Because without our identities, the very individual and personalized parts of our being, we will never be able to progress as a human in this world. Because the emotional, moral, and spiritual development we achieve as individuals is what will pull us through any adversity that we will face.
