From the time I was born to the present moment, I’m pretty sure I have lived in 11 different homes. What I’ve learned throughout these moves is that it doesn’t matter how many houses you live in; what matters is how you make somewhere feel like home.
When I was growing up, I was homeschooled from kindergarten through sixth grade. For seventh and eighth grade, I entered a public charter Waldorf-based school. I then attended a public high school for ninth through twelfth grade. Throughout these first 18 years of my life, I experienced a conservative view of the world. Living in a small town and going to a fairly small high school (my graduating class was approximately 126 students) only added to this. A few examples of its conservative nature are the striking lack of diversity and its pro-gun stance, as hunting is a very popular activity in the area. While these are qualities of the area I was raised in for many years, I do not feel at home when surrounded by them. My ideas differed drastically from the culture that I lived in, so I had to redefine my sense of home. I did so by focusing not on the town, but on the people I spent time with.
I started with family. Family is a first line of defense for many, as they’re who you’re stuck with. By working to have healthy and loving relationships with my parents and siblings, I was able to feel very at home in my house. Having this network of comfort and safety made me feel loved and accepted and glad to be where I was.
I then took time to get to know fellow students as individuals. Rather than seeing the high school I went to as one like-minded mass, I sought out those whose values were similar to mine. By befriending those I shared values with, I was able to create a feeling of home even at a school that I didn’t feel I belonged in much of the time.
After years of building this small-scale version of home within a world I didn’t enjoy, graduation came. I was headed to the University of Portland in just a few months, not just to continue with school, but to create a new home.
From the first time I set foot on campus for move-in day, I had a feeling in my chest that I belonged. It was overwhelming and scary and confusing because until then I had yet to be in a place where the mindset matched mine. From my roommate to the other guys in my wing to everyone I have spent time with over the past year, I have created a campus-wide home for myself. I love it here and I feel more welcomed than I ever could have dreamed. But in the process of building this second home, I couldn’t help but feel tension about my first home.
I knew I would miss my original home. My family and I are close and I still had high school friends to keep in touch with, after all, so I couldn’t just forget about all of those people that were such a large part of my life. And I didn’t. I found it really hard to put them out of my mind at all, actually, and I began to experience a panic of not being able to commit to both homes. I had guilt and anxiety and homesickness coming in waves whether I was sitting in class or out to dinner. I spent weeks torn up about what to do about it. I couldn’t drop out, but I also couldn’t keep the relationships from my first home the same. The first week that I got to go home, though, I started to see how things had changed for the better since I’d been away at school.
Being immersed in living at home after being away was eye-opening. My relationship with both of my parents was much more adult. My siblings seemed to look up to me as a “real person” now that I was attending college. My friends and I had been able to stay in contact after high school while still developing in healthy ways, growing into bigger and better people. And what shocked me was that it was all okay, and it all felt so natural. I hadn’t realized how much change could occur over just two months with so few (if any) negative repercussions. After just a few days I realized I hadn’t lost my first home at all. By adding a second home I had certainly changed things, but it was all for the best.
Growing up changes things, of that everyone can be sure. Doing the “normal things” we do to grow up -- move out, go to college, get a job, travel the world, soul-search -- is a healthy way to become better versions of ourselves. Creating second homes adds richness to our lives. It increases the sense of belonging and the love we have in our lives.
Allowing relationships and feelings of home to be dynamic is necessary for this transition to work, though. People have to adapt and change to survive. Embrace the change! Communicate with those you love and work hard to show your love for them, but know things can’t remain constant forever. Building new homes creates a million mixed emotions, but committing to it also brings so much good, too.
Thinking back, I wasn’t as happy in high school as I am now. And chances are that in a few years when I’m graduated and in the working world, I will be happier than I am now. I hope that as I continue on my path I am able to walk right towards the things that will add goodness to my life. I hope that everyone who grows up keeps reaching for the next big thing, adding new dimensions and people and a thousand different homes to their lives. Growing up certainly is terrifying, but it is also a surefire way to create new homes and improved lives.
