Over the past years, since Fall of 2013, I've been trying to find my purpose in life.
I know that is such a cliche thing to say, but it is true. I was going to a community college at the time, in a relationship, balancing my friends and my boyfriend at the same time, and trying just to make it by. I was in that relationship for roughly a year and a half, and I was not genuinely myself. I wore clothes that I knew my boyfriend would like on me but I did not like on myself, I was acting a certain way and etc. I was a completely different person.
We will have another article coming soon about this. Nothing against my ex! That was all on me!
Two of the reasons why I broke up with my former boyfriend is because I didn't know who I was and I didn't love myself anymore and I lost who I originally was in that relationship. I was trying to find my true authentic self after that relationship.
After I was fresh out of the relationship, single again, I was somewhat searching for "me". I dressed how I wanted to dress, I acted how I wanted to act, I listened to the kind of music I wanted to listen to, and so forth. While trying to "find myself" I was going out like a typical college student, started to reconnect with my close friends from high school and making new ones, and was starting to love myself again.
Years passed, and here we are in the present somewhat. Let's just say I have not been a great friend lately to multiple friends. I even consider these people my best friends. I am a very observant person when it comes to others, but not when it comes to myself. From time to time I do not recognize my actions or words until they are said and done or if someone points them out to me. I am not conscious of that my actions and my words are hurtful.
Yes, I am still working on that. I have expressed myself to the ones that I have hurt and most have forgiven me or say they forgive me and are still pained by my actions or words.
I cannot express enough how remorseful I am. I abhor myself every day knowing that I wounded the ones that I love the most in this world. Yes, I have changed and I keep evolving and adapting for the better, but sometimes I mislay myself. I am not perfect I mean no one is but that does not excuse my hideous actions. But I am learning to surpass my behavior and to be a friend that everyone needs.
