tw: mentions of abuse and gaslighting

When you are an abuse survivor, the last thing that goes through your mind is love and finding stable relationships. When you are abused, getting out of an abusive relationship, or just out of the relationship, you don't know where to turn. Whether there are ways for you to heal, or if you have the ability to find others that won't be just like your abuser in your life. At least, that's what I can say about me. Having been raised to accept abusive behaviors as normal, and not realizing former people in my life as abusive, my radar is kinda broken when trying to analyze others and whether their actions will lead to future pain. When you have been abused that is another thing that you do, you're hyper vigilant about others. You're constantly analyzing — waiting for them to raise all the right red flags and all the signs to tell you to run, and sometimes, even when you do, it's too subtle, you're too far in, and there you are, back again into the very pits of hell you promised you'd never see again.

And then there is more damage, more pain, until one day, somehow, when you have given up hope, they're there. Like a ray of sunshine. Those far off dreams of finding the Mx. Treat-You-Right is finally here, and you have to pinch yourself to remind yourself that you are finally, finally not dreaming.

This one is for you, Dan.

I thank my lucky stars every day that even after all I have been through, that I have found you. It may have taken awhile to realize that my assessment of you no longer had to be in threat or caution mode, but I am glad I have finally been able to learn to trust you. For when you have experienced severe emotional and physical abuse, you lose that ability to trust anyone. When you have others tell you that you're overexaggerating your hurt and it's in your head, you begin to lose trust in yourself. I am so thankful that in our time together as friends, and then lovers, that you have given me so much patience as I work through myself and our relationship. You've been vigilant about all the slight nuances of myself. If you get too intimate, if you say something, anything you do, you watch the signs for disassociation, panic and flashbacks. You make sure that everything that is in our relationship is founded upon mutual trust, consent and love. You don't make me feel guilty when I want things to go slow. You don't yell when I have a panic attack. You don't mock my past. You listen, with open ears and mind, you not only know what to say to try and pull me away from an attack, you understand that even though you are here, not even a relationship can spare these attacks from coming on. You not only understand the effects of the past, but my mental illness. I know at times it gets hard and confusing, and that when I get distant it gets hard to handle, but you try your very best to give me all of what I need, even if it's space. This is such a major development from a lot of people I've known in my life. It's finally time that my boundaries are being respected and I am allowed to organically process emotions, my sexuality, my love life, and my trauma. I thank my lucky stars every day for that time we met at Joe's birthday party. If you didn't invite me to play mini golf eleven years ago, who knows what would've happened. I know a lot has happened to us as we went through elementary, middle, and high school. I know you being two years older always made you seem like a far off dream, but I am so glad that we managed to reconnect in college, and that I finally said yes.

For when you've been abused, saying yes and not regretting it is one of the biggest gifts you can give to someone. Thank you for giving me the gift of unconditional love and trust. I hope we have many many years to come in our journey of love and trust.

I love you.