I’m not really sure how to start with this one. Most of the time when I write, I write after the fact. I write after I’ve learned a lesson. Not in the midst of it. But maybe I’m hoping for something. Hoping that in searching for a God that I don’t understand right now, he’ll catch me.

You know those moments as a kid when you would play with your dad and then you would try and run away, but he always seemed to be too fast for you. He would catch you in his big arms and tickle you till you couldn’t breathe. And then when he finally stopped and you took a couple deep breaths you would get this look on your face and begin squirming out, but too late. He was already tickling you again and you sit there frustrated and out of breath, but you couldn’t help wanting to go again and again because it was a game, and you knew he loved you.

That’s what I’m missing from God right now. I’m missing a joy that I know I could have. I’m waiting for Him to just shake me out of this moment. I want to laugh with Him. I think that’s one of the hardest parts of my walk with Him sometimes. Not being able to have Him cheer me up physically. I know He uses people for that sometimes, but sometimes you just wish for Him to come down and pat your head and tell you everything’s going to be okay.

I get this way sometimes when I sink into myself. Not wanting to talk to anyone, just sit in a torment of sorts because I feel like that’s what I deserve. How messed up is that? Very. If you thought that was rhetorical, there’s your answer.

I hide away. I play this game with God. I almost dare Him to snap me out of it. But my heart is hardened to Him. It’s this weird cycle of praying that He would give me the want of praying for Him to soften my heart. Does that make sense? (It’s not like you can answer, so just nod along).

“Am I a God at hand, declares the Lord, and not a God far away? Can a man hide himself in secret places so that I cannot see him? declares the Lord. Do I not fill heaven and earth? declares the Lord.” (Jeremiah 23:23-24 ESV)

Yep. So that’s pretty clear. I can’t hide from him. But you know who got really close? Jonah… not. He tried really hard though. “Go to Nineveh. Be a missionary. Do my work.” said God. Jonah felt that that would be suicide. So he noped out, and got on a different boat. Did that stop God? Yes, of course. Jonah getting on a boat headed in another direction did the trick (Wow. I’m quite sarcastic right now, but I’ll continue anyways). No of course that didn’t work. Instead God sent Megalodon after him. Ya, you know that massive shark they talk about every year on Shark Week. I’m almost positive that’s what actually ate him because it says in the bible a big fish, and a whale is a mammal, ergo: whale=mammal, shark=fish, Jonah got eaten by Megalodon.

Anyways, God grabbed him, put him on a different kind of transport and put him where he was supposed to be. That’s what I’m waiting for. A different kind of transport. The one that snaps me out of whatever weird mood this is.

I heard in church this today. “Moods go kicking and screaming.” Ain’t that the truth. But if that’s what it takes, kicking and screaming, then I’m ready. Ready for this to be over. There’s not really a step by step process of getting over this kind of thing.

You know though, God is good. Is that a weird way to end this? Probably. But even through all of this crap that I’m writing He still has me. He still reminds me just how much He loves me. Even when I don’t want to hear it or don’t think I can hear it, that’s what He does. So I’m not sure what I’ve specifically learned in this, but I know He loves me, and I’m trying to let Him.

I’ll leave this article with Psalm 51 (ESV). It was something I needed to hear. And maybe it’s something someone else needs to hear.

1 Be gracious to me, God,

according to Your faithful love;

according to Your abundant compassion,

blot out my rebellion.

2 Wash away my guilt

and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I am conscious of my rebellion,

and my sin is always before me.

4 Against You—You alone—I have sinned

and done this evil in Your sight.

So You are right when You pass sentence;

You are blameless when You judge.

5 Indeed, I was guilty when I was born;

I was sinful when my mother conceived me.

6 Surely You desire integrity in the inner self,

and You teach me wisdom deep within.

7 Purify me with hyssop, and I will be clean;

wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;

let the bones You have crushed rejoice.

9 Turn Your face away from my sins

and blot out all my guilt.

10 God, create a clean heart for me

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not banish me from Your presence

or take Your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore the joy of Your salvation to me,

and give me a willing spirit.

13 Then I will teach the rebellious Your ways,

and sinners will return to You.

14 Save me from the guilt of bloodshed, God,

the God of my salvation,

and my tongue will sing of Your righteousness.

15 Lord, open my lips,

and my mouth will declare Your praise.

16 You do not want a sacrifice, or I would give it;

You are not pleased with a burnt offering.

17 The sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit.

God, You will not despise a broken and humbled heart.

18 In Your good pleasure, cause Zion to prosper;

build the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then You will delight in righteous sacrifices,

whole burnt offerings;

then bulls will be offered on Your altar.