Friends are the family you choose for yourself – but the tricky thing is, good ones are hard to find. My mom always told me that 4 quarters are better than 100 pennies – in other words, value quality over quantity. But how is it that we can determine the quality of a friend?
It’s important to surround yourself with people who lift you higher and make you feel valued.
I’m the kind of person that will bend over backward to make the people in my life happy. I don’t necessarily expect my friends to be that way, but I do expect them to put some effort into the relationship as well. My dad always told me not to cross oceans for people who won’t jump over puddles for me – in other words, you don’t want people taking you for granted.
One way to tell if people value you in a relationship is by not doing all of the work yourself.
This is especially hard for me, but it’s important. Now, to be a true friend, you don’t need to see each other every day, and you don’t even need to talk every day – but good friends should be there when you need them. They should care about you and your feelings, and be someone to lean on in tough times. This could be anything from a hug on a rough day to a check-in text message.
But also, you can’t expect your friend to be there for you if they don’t know what’s going on.
Opening up isn’t easy, but it’s a much more enjoyable experience when you know that your friends accept you for who you are.
The easiest way to find these people is simple: just be yourself.
In college when I was doing sorority rush, I got some great advice - it was to be myself, because if I’m not myself now then I’m less likely to end up in a house where I can be myself in the future. This applies to the broader spectrum of life – if you’re not being who you really are, you aren’t going to find people who genuinely appreciate you for you.
If you’re yourself, people will have the ability to get to know and love you, for you.
When someone accepts you as a person, it’s one of the best feelings in the world.
This person understands you, doesn’t judge you, and wants to be around you. They include you, encourage you, and help you through life. They get where you’re coming from, and have context to help them see things from your perspective – but that doesn’t mean they have to share your perspective.
A genuine friendship involves mutual respect.
This is true when you are together, but also when you aren’t. For example, disagreements are only natural, but how you have the conversation (and how you treat each other generally) says everything. True friends acknowledge how each other think or feel, but don’t force their ideas onto one another.
As for when friends are not together, defending someone when they aren’t there to defend themselves is a sure sign of respect and loyalty in a friendship.
Coming into law school, I didn’t find my forever friends the second I walked through the door – but that’s okay. It was worth it to me to find the quality people to help me get through this life adventure. They ask me how I’m doing, and care about my well-being. They appreciate me for my strengths and love me despite my flaws.
They make me feel valued, and loved.
The best part about finding friends who love me for me is that I can truly be myself - I'm not embarrassed, or overly cautious, or fearful of judgment - because they accept me, for me.
And I know personally I'm a lot to handle - I'm loud, I'm busy, I'm way too obsessed with the color pink - but my real friends take each of these things and consciously choose to value me for those qualities and others. I'm grateful to have found them and know that they will last.
When you find your people, you’ll know because it will be natural. You can’t force someone to be your friend, but even if you could I wouldn’t want to. You want genuine relationships – and you deserve them.
