Every day is a fight. A fight for me against an urge to find a permanent solution for temporary problems. I am NOT alone in this fight. The number of people who struggle with crippling anxiety and depression that leaves you suicidal is STAGGERING.
Today sucked for me. I tried to get some help on a large car repair bill and was denied. Then my puppy ate my denture. My only way to smile. The ONLY thing keeping me from looking like someone people don't want to talk to CHEWED. I was despondent. Coming two days after the news that the $900+ funds I was expecting were NOT on its way and would never be, due to a recalculation in my student benefits. Suicidal? Perhaps... definitely more than ready to be violent to a certain male dog whose time with his male parts has expired. But I kept in physical control, choosing the method of "sitting still," and not acting where I could have done something I would later regret.
I have attempted suicide more times than I can count. It would happen every single year as a teenager and young adult. My suicidal ideations affected my children and my friends. I wasn't a happy person to be around, and most antidepressants made it worse. I finally found a medication solution when I started using cannabis as my medicine in an eaten form. But my struggles with the moods and the trials continue. I have used methods I have learned from Dr. Low's methods taught by Recovery International to help manage them.
I'm not the first person in my family to struggle. The Post Traumatic Stress that my grandfather experienced in World War II along with a major head injury, lead him to finish himself off when my father was only four. My father, having experienced Post Traumatic Stress from his father's suicide as a young boy, struggled until he also killed himself on my birthday weekend in 1999. My nephew was the latest, and the youngest, having only reached 18 in 2012 when he succeeded with ending his life. It runs in my family.
I have reached out to friends near and far, my poor daughter more times than I want to admit, and now I reach to God. I find comfort in a quote from Ezra Taft Benson, "There are times when you simply have to righteously hang on and outlast the devil until his depressive spirit leaves you." I think that is true.
Another truth is that I have not been actively suicidal since I understood I am a daughter of God. Somehow, killing something that has eternal consequence seems different, worse. I am able to hang on and stay still when I would have previously done something I would regret.
It's okay to keep hanging on. Stay strong, we are ALL children of a Heavenly Father who loves us. Help is around the corner, just ask. I will keep hanging on myself, one day at a time.
- If you need to talk, call 800-273-TALK (8255) for free, confidential, 24/7 help.
- Get help for yourself
- Get help for someone else
- If you are outside of the US, please visit iasp.info to find resources in your area.
via National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
(Note: This article was edited from a piece on MaggieSlighte.com)
