Recently a friend sent me a series of poems, mainly structured similarly to haikus. They depicted a very unfortunate, and personal event in her life. She asked if I would publish them for her, so she could remain anonymous.
Drink, drink motherfucker drink.
Drink it all away tonight.
Drink till you're happy.
I enter the room...
I can see him, he sees me...
It's a common night.
No, I want to stay!
I will be fine I promise.
He makes me feel good!
It's thrilling, chilling.
Why are we going out here?
Is anyone here?
Heart beating quickly.
Find me please, find me please, please.
How did I get here?
I'm tumbling down
I'm looking up at the stars
I'm hoping he'll leave
I'm your new puppet
You control, I must follow
The doll is fragile.
You've broken the doll
Tears rush in response to pain
What do I do now?
Don't draw attention.
Scream it out to the whole world.
Don't you feel sorry?
The opinions change
Say this, do that, yes no YES
Who can I talk to?
Playing the blame game.
How could you have left me there?
Why wasn't I SMART?
I'm crumbling down
I am torn in to pieces
Will super glue work?
They say I'll help you.
They say you can talk to me.
They say we'll end this.
Time time time drags on...
Let's just open the wound more. Bleed more you'll be fine!
The victim is wrong.
You cannot remember well.
We don't believe you.
My heart is falling;
A mountain of betrayal.
Did I have to speak?
No. Don't second guess.
Fight for your right for safety.
I'm my own best friend.
Fire is burning.
I have to say something now,
I'm a strong woman.
You will not hold me.
I will now tell my story.
The wound is worth it.
I lay here thinking;
I will always be enough.
My heart skips a beat.
If only I believed that.
I could write an entire separate article on how amazing this girl is, or how you would never guess that this would happen to her, but I think the poems speak for themselves.
The author wants you to know the following:
These were written at a time when I was hurting. I found that writing helped put a situation that was completely out of my control in to focus-all of the sudden I had control of the story down to the syllable of the word. I wrote these when I was a victim in all aspects of my story.
You hear about how common it is for sexual assault to happen on college campuses. It's hard to believe when you don't personally know someone who it's happened to. What's nuts is that you actually probably do and you just don't know it. It could've happened at the house party that you thought was so safe because the host will "kick out any creeps". It could be the bubbly girl in your psych class or the straight- A, no nonsense badass on the track team with you. One in four women. That statistic is not a joke.
At the end of the day, I am not going to always allow myself to be a victim to my assailant or to the people that "helped" me. I am not going to be labeled as a survivor for the rest of my life. This is something that happened in one chapter of MY life, and sharing my story is how I want to end this chapter. I'm glad I spoke up to the Title IX coordinator at my university, however; to any one person I would give the following advice (most of which I wish someone had told me)
1. Immediately go to the hospital. Test your BAC if you have been drinking and get tested for date rape drugs if you are showing signs of being under the influence of them. (I was and didn't.)
2. Try and sleep, then go talk to someone that is older than you that you trust. Your friends have wonderful intentions and want to listen, but an advisor of some sort will have a better understanding of the system.
3. Please, please, please consider going to the police. Yes, the university has Title IX. Just go to the police. Trust me.
4. Find a therapist, counselor, priest, or any other confidant who will listen to you and help you through this challenge. If that person doesn't jive well with you, find someone else. You deserve to be listened to.
Finally, if you have gone through this, I want you to know that you are in my heart. I pray that no one ever has to go through the pain and heartbreak that I have experienced, but if you have... You are not alone. I pray you find peace. I pray you find hope in another chapter of your story, just as I have recently found.
