Where do I start? How do I even begin to tell you what kind of mark my depression and anxiety left me with? I want to leave you with this disclaimer: I'm still battling against it.
That's right, you heard me. I still struggle with it. You know why I'm not falling to pieces anymore? What my "secret" is? Friends. Family. People and things that remind you that you are not alone. Reminders to "always keep fighting." (Jared Padalecki) Reminders that no matter what I feel and am going through, I have a support system. I struggle with anxiety in addition to depression.
I make big things out of little things because my head is so overwhelmed with lies from the devil that make me want to play the victim. That makes me think, "why is it always me? Why am I the only one feeling this way? Why am I the only one treated this way? Is there something wrong with me?" The list goes on. Depression is different for everyone. It targets us in different ways, but it all has the same effect.
We all feel alone and that no one can understand. I mean, how could they? How could others understand what you're going through when sometimes you don't even know what is going on with you? It takes simple things to break through this wall. It's simple, but it is not easy.
The wall doesn't break all at once, and it likes to rebuild itself. The wall doesn't always stay down, but when it is down, it is freeing. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time. It wasn't until about a year or two ago that I realized that this is what I was experiencing. I denied its existence in my life because I was afraid if it was true then people would treat me differently.
I'm telling you, breaking through that wall and letting someone in, is so amazing. It gives you a reason to keep fighting. It gives you another reason to live. I let someone in when I was a senior in high school.
It didn't have to tell him what I was going through in detail. I didn't even have to call it by its name. He understood and helped me in little ways. Greeting me as if I mattered, smiling at me when he saw me. He gave me hugs when I needed them the most. He wasn't always aware of how he was helping.
He did it because he knew I mattered. I got a chance to thank him, but to this day, I do not think I can ever find the words to express how grateful I am to him. He gave me a chance at living again. I mean, really living. I stilled battled hard after leaving high school, but things started to go downhill again.
I began to question things. It wasn't until shortly after stumbling across the tv show, Supernatural that I opened up to someone. It wasn't just the show itself that gave me the reason to fight again. I mentioned I was watching the show to a friend who revealed she also watched the show.
We've been bonding over it these past couple of months. This bonding led me to briefly open up about my fight with depression and anxiety. You know what happened? She didn't treat me differently when I called it by its name. She didn't call me weak. All the fears I had about opening up to someone, were complete lies.
She called me strong, not weak as I feared. She said, "it's a tough battle, but I know you're a tough person." She sends me motivational and inspiration memes, gifs and texts all the time and in addition to my parents, is my support system. Remember that "you are not alone" (Jared Padalecki).
Remember to "always keep fighting. I'm serious. You know, even if you think you're alone, even if you think that there's no one else to listen to you, I disagree. You're not alone" (Jensen Ackles). These guys, Jensen, and Jared, star in the tv show supernatural. Their work with the show has taught me to never give up. To keep fighting.
They also run campaigns to support those struggling with depression and anxiety. They are living proof that this too shall pass. That there are good days ahead. On the bad days, to remember the good days.
Because "there's always gonna be someone who is smarter. There's always gonna be someone better looking. There's always gonna be someone who works harder. What you have to offer is yourself so don't lose it. Focus on it and try to bring it out" (Jared Padalecki). What this means is, that no one can fight this battle for you.
They can be there for you, and you are not alone. But in the end, you are fighting for you. The people cheering you on are the reason not to give up. Because "ending" the pain won't really end it. It will just spread it. Remember That you are not alone. Remember to always keep fighting.
