It’s Valentine’s Day, everybody! And in our hyper-connected consumerist world, you know what that means! Endless and shameless ads and products all marketed purely to capitalize on this once-a-year opportunity to goad Americans into splurging themselves on a plethora of pointless commodities in a totally artificial attempt of displaying affection! As liberal comedian (okay, there’s probably only two conservative comedians out there, but regardless, I will affix such descriptive adjectives) Bill Maher bluntly puts it, “Happy Flowers for Blowjobs Day!” Of course, most people have probably caught on to the rather hypocritical and cash-grabbing ways of Valentine’s Day culture.
Nevertheless, there is no real reason to be shameful of indulging oneself on Valentine’s Day. And the movie industry is more than happy to accept your hard-earned money and spend it on producing more sequels you never that you wanted. However, the nature of blockbuster franchises means that some studios essentially have monopolies on certain weekends of the year. Disney now has a monopoly on Christmas with their bombastic plan of releasing a new “Star Wars” movie every Christmas until the end of time (or at least until this strategy stops becoming profitable for them). Similar to Disney, Universal has Valentine’s Day chained down with their “Fifty Shades” franchise, based upon the best-selling novel series by E. L. James.
Of course, with Valentine’s Day falling on a Tuesday this year, studios felt kinky enough to release non-romance films as well this past weekend. Indeed, “The LEGO Batman Movie” dominated the US Box Office this weekend. Internationally though, “Fifty Shades Darker” whipped all other competitors into submission, sucking in a titillating $100.1 million worldwide. Critics were (not surprisingly) less than aroused though, chastising the film to a humiliatingly low 9% on Rotten Tomatoes. Fortunately for us, that means the site now gushes with endless streams of hilarious quotes from reviewers less than satisfied with their experience. I’ve compiled some of my personal favorites down below. Sadly, no links though due to the risk of pay walls.
“If Jane Austen wrote mommy porn it would be so much better than this.”
- James Verniere (Boston Herald)
“I kept thinking how awesome it would be if the trilogy would conclude with a Lego Shades Movie. Lego Christian pouring massage oils on Lego Anastasia, engaging in some light Lego masochism.”
- Gary Thompson (Philadelphia Daily News)
“Feels like something farted out of the backside of the Eighties.”
- Charlotte O’Sullivan (London Evening Standard)
“Honestly, viewers will likely find more sexual currency in The LEGO Batman Movie than in this picture.”
- Matt Brunson (Creative Loathing)
“The frequent use of musical montages – as trite and heavy-handed as they are – comes across as something of a relief, simply because during those stretches, nobody’s talking.”
- Brian Lowry (CNN.com)
“Dornan and Johnson conduct their lurid interactions with the carnal intensity of tax accountants diving into a stack of W2s.”
- Sean O’Connell (CinemaBlend.com)
“Makes the Chronicles of Riddick look like Le Règle du Jeu.”
- David Jenkins (Little White Lies)
“Only Donald Trump is more shameless when it comes to the 24/7 flaunting of great wealth and poor taste.”
- Leigh Paatsch (Herald Sun (Australia))
“It’s also important to note ‘Darker’ is better than ‘Grey,’ which to be fair, is like noting touching tinfoil to a filling is better than a root canal.”
- Mathew DeKinder (Suburban Journals of St. Louis)
“You will most definitely care more about Anastasia Steele’s red lipstick shade than her tortured romance with cold billionaire Christian Grey.”
- Mara Reinstein (Us Weekly)
“Johnson and Dornan have about as much chemistry as a box of Wheat Thins being blindfolded by a box of Triscuits.”
- Allison Shoemaker (Consequence of Sound)
