The following commentary is based on the first viewing of Moana for my fiancé, David Polaski. All commentary is his unless noted otherwise.This article contains SPOILERS!
David pictured with Moana's pig, Pua.
1. So, this is basically Lilo and Stitch: Part Two right?
2. But I've never seen the first one, either.
3. I didn't know he could shape-shift like that. They don't make that clear in the previews.
4. Hafiti? Graffiti? What is it?
5. Bethannie: It's Te Fiti.
6. Aw, is that little Moana?
7. She's so chubby!
8. Uh-oh.
9. Get away, bird.
10. *Referring to the baby sea turtle* I read about those in my Oceans & Nations class!
11. I'm guessing she's going to use that shell for the rest of the movie.
12. So, does the sea like her or is it like that for everyone?
13. Bethannie: The sea likes her because she helped the baby sea turtle. It chose her.
14. And the little green thing is the Heart of Ohana or whatever?
15. It's all the same movie, right?
16. This reminds me of the opening of Frozen, but instead of ice picks they have shovels.
17. Hei Hei!
18. Oops!
19. Aw, Pua!
20. The old lady's gonna die, isn't she?
21. Does this island have a name? Oh, it's Motunui.
22. *Referring to Hei Hei* Reminds me of Thor.
23. *Referring to Hei Hei again* He likes to eat things, doesn't he?
24. That's good because fish are friends, not food.
25. In every Disney movie, there's always some invisible barrier that the people can't cross, and then there's always one person who wants to.
26. Oh, no.
27. Yep, someone always dies tragically at the beginning.
28. Bethannie: Here's your song.
29. Now I just need to learn how to swim.
30. I need that pig...
31. Bethannie: SEE THE LINE WHERE THE SKY MEETS THE SEA, IT CALLS MEEEEEE! AND NO ONE KNOOOOOOWS HOW FAR IT GOOOOOOES!
32. That leaf would break. That's in the blooper reel.
33. Don't do it.
34. The pig! He's such a good little sidekick.
35. Oops!
36. Oh, no! Get the pig!
37. If that pig dies...I'll never watch another Disney movie ever again.
38. Ow.
39. Gramma Tala: Whatever just happened...blame it on the pig.
40. Gramma Tala: I'm his mom. I don't have to tell him anything.
41. Gramma Tala: When I die, I'm going to come back as one of these. Otherwise, I chose the wrong tattoo.
42. That's what your mom's gonna be like when she's old.
43. That doesn't look like a drum. It looks like an anvil.
44. Is that Orion?
45. What was the point of stealing the Heart of Rafiki or whatever?
46. That's not a real constellation.
47. Called it!
48. This is like how every epic in history starts is with the main character having a mission, but not having the motivation to do it until someone close to them dies. Like, half the Disney movies. It's how Star Wars begins.
49. Well, no going back now.
50. The magical stingray!
51. Bethannie: That's her grandmother. It means she just died.
52. Oh, I didn't get that.
53. That's Hei Hei, isn't it?
54. Does she even know where she's going or is she just sailing into the middle of the ocean?
55. I wish I could water slap people.
56. Hei Hei is my spirit animal.
57. Is this the part where she drowns and meets Anna and Elsa's parents?
58. Wait, that's a different part of the world, isn't it?
59. Ugh. Sand. It gets everywhere.
60. Moana: FISH PEE IN YOU! ALL DAY!
61. That's not Maui.
62. I guess it was Maui. I was wrong.
63. Maui: When you use a bird to write with, it's called, "Tweeting."
64. Ha. Clever. Pop culture reference.
65. She's got a bit of an attitude, doesn't she?
66. Who knew he could sing?
67. He's a little full of himself, isn't he?
68. Maui: Boat snack!
69. Oh!
70. Just a little short.
71. Oh!
72. Ha, nope!
73. It's like me when I'm trying to leave work.
74. *Speaking to his mini Maui tattoo* Maui: Stay out of it or you'll be sleeping in my armpit.
75. That was close.
76. They look like...are they coconuts?
77. She said, "Ocean!" and I thought she said, "Oh, shit!"
78. Oh, no...He's gonna eat it. They're just gonna have to wait for it to come out the other side, right?
79. That poor chicken.
80. Jesus! She's got some aggression!
81. Oh! He puked it up!
82. *Referring to Maui* He reminds me of Genie.
83. That is a small raft.
84. Ha. Disney joke.
85. You think she would have learned how to sail considering she lived on an island. This is like me teaching you how to cook.
86. She reminds me of Anna from Frozen.
87. Look at what you did...You killed EVERYONE!
88. It's a dream...Ha! Called it!
89. They are not wearing safety harnesses.
90. Is this going to be like Frozen where all of the musical numbers are in the first 45 minutes?
91. This is some Alice In Wonderland shit going on right now.
92. What? Is he, like, invincible or something?
93. Oh, it's a giant crab.
94. What the hell?
95. Tamatoa: I ate my grandma! And it took a week because she was absolutely humongous.
96. This is like when Bilbo is talking to Smaug.
97. So...crabulous.
98. This is definitely the weird part of the movie.
99. It's not gonna work.
100. He turned into Sven! Did you catch that?!
101. Oh, it's not it. It's not the Heart of the Ocean.
102. What kind of drugs were the creators on when they made this scene?
103. She's trying not to laugh.
104. Little Hei Hei! Oh. Oh!
105. This is like you when you wanna know something and I don't want to talk.
106. So, he's a Mudblood.
107. I didn't know coconuts came from giant fish who threw them up.
108. I wish I could turn into a hawk at will. Wouldn't have to worry about traffic.
109. Bethannie: The ocean has had enough of Hei Hei's shit.
110. *Referring to the ocean sticking Hei Hei into a basket with a lid then into a hole in the canoe* He's not getting out of there.
111. That is an angry fire god.
112. Is it supposed to be a woman? That explains things.
113. Fire god: 1 Moana: 0
114. I knew the stingray was going to come back.
115. So, this actress was 14? That's pretty impressive.
116. He saved the day! And then he ate it...No...he didn't.
117. I thought it was Fawkes at first.
118. Ow.
119. Batter up!
120. You went the wrong direction...
121. Okay, Moses.
122. Oh...It's the Green Giant from the green bean cans.
123. She's gonna give him a hook.
124. Yep.
125. The island's got a big butt.
Going to the cinema alone is good for your mental health, says science
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