Now that I’m leaving for college, I feel a mix of emotions. I’m excited, of course, to finally be granted the independence I so desperately craved and to pursue the major that I’m most passionate about. I’m also terrified: of living in a new place, of what to do when things go wrong (as they inevitably will), of how to be utterly responsible for every single action. However, the strongest feeling I have isn’t that of enthusiasm or nervousness; rather, it’s guilt.

See, for the first five years of my life, I was lonely. I was shy and quiet and, ultimately, hated people. I had no friends, mostly because other people scared the crap out of me. I had no siblings, either.

Until I had a sister.

Now at first, we had our hardships (mostly because she found my pain amusing). As we grew older, our hardships dissolved. Our relationship was not akin to the regular sister-sister relationships that we heard of. We were not jealous of each other. We rarely, if ever, told our secrets to our parents. We could talk for hours and not rip each other apart. When we got mad at each other, the issue would be resolved within minutes.

We borrowed each other’s clothes as though they were our own. We stood up for each other when other people hurt us. We were each other’s reason for staying sane, for staying strong. Her problems were my problems, and my problems were hers. We were one and the same, even though we were different in many, many ways.

The most important thing of all is that we genuinely cared for each other and for each other’s feelings - so much so that we would often tell the other that we didn’t even feel like sisters anymore, but like friends. In the presence of turbulence or tension, our relationship would only strengthen, since we were the only ones we had in those situations.

The fact that I’m leaving her alone next year, has placed much guilt into me. Of course, I know that this was necessary; this is my education, after all, and I know for a fact that she will be alright. However, the idea that I would not be able to be there if she needed advice or help is the reason I feel this way.

I find myself needing to constantly remind myself that I’m not the only sibling to leave for college and that this would’ve happened eventually. My sister constantly reassures me, saying that she will miss me, sure, but she will also be fine.

I know that she’s refusing to tell me how she really feels - I know her better than anyone - in order to spare my feelings. What she doesn’t know, though, is that I’m already aware of how sad she will be - and that her kindness and thoughtfulness to spare my feelings make me feel guiltier.

The biggest thing I wish for in these next coming years is for our bond to get stronger. I know that we will not be around each other every day, but I’m hoping that the times that we are together end up being the best. I also hope that these next years will shape her into an even stronger person, capable of doing whatever she wants to do. I also hope that she remembers that even if I end up being on the other side of the world, I’m never too far to still be her sister.