There’s something about coming back home after college that just doesn’t feel right. At least for me anyways. I know this may be different for some people and maybe the feeling will go away, but this is my story and I’m just being honest.

So here’s my truth.

When I was applying for colleges, I knew I wanted to go away. It was one of the few things I was sure about. It wasn’t that I didn’t like my home, but I really just wanted to experience what it would be like to live somewhere else. So I went away for college. I did the whole out of state, living in the dorms life and I’m glad I did.

It was something I knew I wanted to do for a long time and to actually do it was great. But it changed my thoughts about my hometown and that’s what I’m here to tell you about.

In high school, home was home and I didn’t question it. It felt like it was the place where I was supposed to be and I was okay with that.

When I went away to college and would come home for breaks, home started to not feel like home. I didn’t know what it was, but the walls that used to make me feel so safe and secure didn’t anymore. Now don’t get me wrong, seeing my family and friends was great and all, but it didn’t erase the feeling. I felt so disconnected to a place that used to be all I know.

I thought the feeling would go away as college continued and I started to miss home more, but it didn’t. Instead, I began to miss home, less. Of course, I missed the people I love and I missed the familiarity of it all, but I no longer felt like it was my home. I used to think it was because I was starting to become independent and all that, but I realize now that that’s not the case. So what is it?

I began to wonder what a home was supposed to feel like because I just didn’t feel like I had felt at home in a long time. They say home isn’t a place. It’s a feeling, but I hadn’t felt that feeling even when I was at the place that I call home.

Then May rolled around and I came home after graduating college and I got that same feeling or the lack of feeling at home.

Even now as I write this I still feel that way. Home doesn’t feel like home. It feels familiar and it feels like the safe bet, but it doesn’t feel like this is where I’m meant to be.

I’ve grown out of my hometown, I’ve grown out of the familiarity, and I’ve grown to appreciate change. Maybe that’s exactly what I need. Maybe I need to experience a different state again and a different environment in order to find my home. I don’t know all the answers, but I know that I need to find that place that feels safe and happy. I need to find a place that feels like home again.