No one knows how to act when you lose a parent or any loved one. It is a hard situation all around. No one looks at you the same or treats you the same. Everyone feels the need to take you as their charity case and constantly be on the look out for you. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with this, but if you are anything like me, life is just easier when you go with the flow and lay low.
The initial feeling when a parent passes is shock. I will never forget my dad uttering the words to tell me that my mom had passed. I knew that she had passed when I arrived at the hospital, but hearing those words came as such a surprise to me. In those moments, I felt every emotion I could possibly feel at one time. I felt pain, love, anger, confusion, sadness, and peace.
Pain
This is probably an obvious emotion to feel when anything is taken from you. It's like pulling a strand of hair out of your head; it happens quickly, but it still hurts for a little bit afterward. My mom was plucked from my life so quickly and the stinging feeling is just now starting to fade. The pain was also coming from my heart because it longed for my mom to be there to tell me everything was going to be okay and for her to hold me while I cried. It was also painful to watch people file in and hear the news that my mom had left us.
Love
I felt so much love from everyone and still feel that love. I also felt the love of my mom while going through this and I continue to feel her love. It's weird to hear that I felt love after hearing my mom had passed, but I was surrounded by my loved ones. We just loved on each other and reminisced on what the days before that moment were like. I could feel the love of God in those moments and continue to feel His love. We think that when God puts us through these situations, that He doesn't love us anymore. The fact of the matter is that we can never do anything to make Him love us any more or any less. I knew that He was doing this for a reason, and while I am still searching for that reason, I can feel His love surround me and it is over-powering.
Anger
This is another obvious emotion to feel, but it is definitely there. I was angry because I wouldn't have those mother-daughter talks anymore. I was angry because all these people were there for me but the one person I wanted, my mom, wasn't there. Everything in that moment made me mad. It was so easy to be angry but I had to think back to how I felt love and that I knew that God had a plan for this situation.
Confusion
I was confused as to why this was happening to my family. Why did my mom have to leave this world so early? It just didn't make sense. My mom was such an influential person, so why would she not be needed anymore? How would I go on in life without her? Who would I go to for advice or just to giggle with? I had all these questions, but only God had the answer to them.
Sadness
This is the number one emotion people associate with loss. Surprisingly, it was one of the last emotions I felt. It felt like I had to be sad because that was what was expected from me, but I didn't want to be sad. I knew my mom didn't want me to be sad because she was rejoicing in Heaven. Seeing all my other family members sad made me sad because I could see their hurt. Our family had been broken and so unexpectedly.
Peace
This didn't come until later on in the process. I am starting to feel this more and more as time goes on. I am reaching the nine month mark without my mom and it is still hard and will continue to be hard. I've realized that feeling sad about it won't make me feel better. Sometimes it does make me feel better because we all need to cry at some point but it's not good to be sad all the time. I know that my mom is in Heaven where there is no pain or sorrow and it makes the process easier.
There are so many emotions you feel when you go through a loss and it's hard to explain them all. Sometimes all the emotions jumble up and you don't really know what you are feeling at that moment because you could be feeling about five emotions all at once. You feel broken, but reflecting on the memories you have help fill that void and help you push through the pain. Surrounding yourself in God's love helps, too. Nothing will bring you more peace until you ask the ultimate peace keeper for it.
