Picture this: You’re in bed. You decided not to do anything. Maybe you had a chance but tonight isn’t a good night. Tonight is a night that you’re feeling that way again. Maybe it’s one thing, maybe it’s another. Regardless, you’re back at this all too familiar place. You’ve scrolled through Twitter and Instagram at least seven times and even attempted Facebook for the first time since you told your cousin "Happy Birthday." You’re wondering what the hell you’re supposed to do to occupy your mind. You don’t want to sleep because dreams don’t let you rest easy.
So you’re stuck with the ceiling fan, maybe your dog/cat, and a bed that’s never betrayed you. You’re as comfortable as you can get, yet your skin is crawling. Something is out of place. Music helps, maybe a bowl of cereal, but you can’t fix it. You’re coping the best you can, but you’re convinced nothing is going to change it. I’m not going to tell you that I have the secret to overcoming this depression on the spot. Because I have these nights too. We all do. But here’s the thing. Embrace these times. Grow in these times. Find yourself in these times. We need these times. You don’t want your life to be perfect. You don’t want to never have issues. That hole in your chest isn’t somebody else. That piece missing in you, IS you. Let me explain.
You need to fix something. Maybe you’ve asked for advice. Maybe you’ve prayed. Maybe you’ve read something online or in books looking for motivation, an understanding, comforting compassion that you can relate to. The only way to fill that emptiness in you is by finding you.
You fight back these breakdowns to feel or look strong… for who? Other people? Let me tell you something. We all question why we feel something. Why we act a certain why. Why our thoughts run through our hands like sand. So why do we torture ourselves so much by trying to hide it? You’re not weak. You’re a human. You’re vulnerable to being sad, everyone is. So let the sadness surround you. This is where the real you will come out. Have a breakdown. Cry, scream, throw something, let it consume you… The real you is better than that mask you’ve been wearing.
You’re a mess. That’s fine. Maybe you feel better now, maybe you feel worse. You let your guard down, but you’re alone. So look inside. Who is the person you want to be? Who is the person that you think of becoming every day? This isn’t the person you’ve been shown that you should become, this is the person that maybe you’re embarrassed to tell people about. That’s fine. If you don’t know who you want to be yet, maybe you’ve got a little more thinking to do. But take my advice. Stop pretending. Stop fighting. Stop pushing things to the back of your thoughts. Dive in and soak it up. You need to feel this. Those feelings are going to guide you and when you get there, you’ll never smile harder.
The person writing this mess wouldn’t have said these words 6 months ago. I’m finding myself. I’m a mess. I’m emotional. I’m making mistakes. But I’m so damn happy. You can’t take that from me. I’m still a work in progress. There are aspects of me that I need to work on & I’ll get there, I promise. But for now, I’m happy with where I’m headed. I know who I want to be & I’m doing whatever I can to become that person.
This is how I see it:
I might lose some friends
I might take a few steps back
But I know where I’m headed
I’ll find a way to get there
If you’re still around when I make it there
I’ll make sure to send you a postcard
I heard it’s always sunny there
Maybe you should visit too
