Feeling Thoughts: A Poem

Feeling Thoughts: A Poem

Not quite the loss of emotion, not quite the keeping of it.
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There are moments when my emotional plane

seems to separate from the delicate flesh encasing my muscle and bone,

much like the inevitable separation of leaf from branch,

yet there is not an audience sighing at this separation,

Thinking it a whimsical and natural occurrence.


This divorce is not autumn to winter,

but warmth to sterility, the loss of a dream.

My feeling thoughts depart from my head,

they evaporate into the sky, gentle kisses

That meander through the clouds until they reach the cheek of Gabriel.


While those feeling thoughts are sweet upon his face,

They represent a lost child, a deceased loved one, a wronged lover,

A bucket that used to be filled.


It is not frigid darkness, but perhaps a cold muted grey.

I am aware of the detachment, each time willing for the plane to be delayed,

Hoping that it is a false start, a practice departure.


There is no pattern, no statistical interpretation that could

define this phenomenon, for I have so dearly tried for an explanation,

As we all so desperately try to do with these sort of things.


Feeling thoughts are not meant to leave, perhaps they can be inflamed,

bothered, befuddled, aroused, danced with, prodded and poked.

But they are not meant to leave—they do not go on holiday, they do not visit family,

They only nestle into the sulci of our brain and glide over the gyri.


Some are said to be without emotional planes,

without feeling thoughts, their brains barren

Of gliders living in their thinking folds—

they have no leaves on their branches, no sprouts in spring.

Their existence terrifies me.

One day, they could be me, and I them.


They always come back, those gliders, just as the sun rises,

Just as the bulbs of tulips open to reveal lovely pink petals.

But each time they are whisked away by the wind,

I begin to drown in the fear that they might never come back,

That the love and hope and joy and sadness and anger

that make me undeniably human will desert me,

leaving only a shriveled half-human,

one that does not care for the loss of my thought feelings,

because I’ve been robbed of the ability to remember,

to miss,

to acknowledge the loss of emotional humanity.

Cover Image Credit: Pixabay

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I'm The Girl Without A 'Friend Group'

And here's why I'm OK with it

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Little things remind me all the time.

For example, I'll be sitting in the lounge with the people on my floor, just talking about how everyone's days went. Someone will turn to someone else and ask something along the lines of, "When are we going to so-and-so's place tonight?" Sometimes it'll even be, "Are you ready to go to so-and-so's place now? Okay, we'll see you later, Taylor!"

It's little things like that, little things that remind me I don't have a "friend group." And it's been like that forever. I don't have the same people to keep me company 24 hours of the day, the same people to do absolutely everything with, and the same people to cling to like glue. I don't have a whole cast of characters to entertain me and care for me and support me. Sometimes, especially when it feels obvious to me, not having a "friend group" makes me feel like a waste of space. If I don't have more friends than I can count, what's the point in trying to make friends at all?

I can tell you that there is a point. As a matter of fact, just because I don't have a close-knit clique doesn't mean I don't have any friends. The friends I have come from all different walks of life, some are from my town back home and some are from across the country. I've known some of my friends for years, and others I've only known for a few months. It doesn't really matter where they come from, though. What matters is that the friends I have all entertain me, care for me, and support me. Just because I'm not in that "friend group" with all of them together doesn't mean that we can't be friends to each other.

Still, I hate avoiding sticking myself in a box, and I'm not afraid to seek out friendships. I've noticed that a lot of the people I see who consider themselves to be in a "friend group" don't really venture outside the pack very often. I've never had a pack to venture outside of, so I don't mind reaching out to new people whenever.

I'm not going to lie, when I hear people talking about all the fun they're going to have with their "friend group" over the weekend, part of me wishes I could be included in something like that. I do sometimes want to have the personality type that allows me to mesh perfectly into a clique. I couldn't tell you what it is about me, but there is some part of me that just happens to function better one-on-one with people.

I hated it all my life up until very recently, and that's because I've finally learned that not having a "friend group" is never going to be the same as not having friends.

SEE ALSO: To The Girls Who Float Between Friend Groups

Cover Image Credit: wordpress.com

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Goodbye School, Hello Real World

I'm ready for ya!

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It's starting to hit me.

I've been in school, year after year, since kindergarten. Maybe even pre-school!

Now, I'm about to graduate with my bachelors in communication and I couldn't be more proud of myself. I'll say it. I often sugarcoat it or suppress it but d*mn it. I'm going to applaud myself. It was hard work. It took a lot of motivation, determination, (caffeine), and willpower to get to where I am today. I worked my ass off.

That being said, I can't help but think... What is life without due dates? What is life like without scrambling to turn in an assignment that's due at 11:59 PM? What is life like with actual sleep? Sleep? I don't know her.

Like I keep telling my boyfriend and my parents, I don't have it all figured out. At least not right now. But I will, and I'm in no rush to land my dream job right now. If anything, I want to take a year to myself. I want to travel. I want to sleep in if I d*mn well please! I want to read as many books as I want. I want to write till my fingers fall off (OK, maybe not that).

You get the jist.

I'm free. I can do and be whatever I want. And you know what? That's terrifying.

I'm lost. I've followed this structure for so long. Now what?

I don't have all the answers yet. But for now, at least right at this very moment, I'm so thankful to have been able to receive such an amazing education. And to be able to say I'm graduating with my bachelors in communication at 21 is an accomplishment in itself.

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