I took this picture on a morning when the sun was showing in my windows just right, and I was wearing my favorite skirt/dress. My hair wasn't crazy as normal. So I wanted to capture it. In true self is fashion I stuck a pose and took the plunge. I had an image in my head of what I wanted to look like, and for the first time ever, the actual image surpassed my expectations.
It was a rare moment.
I've been exploring sensations play and what that can mean for me in terms of accepting myself. What can sensations play give me? I would like to be comfortable with my body without it having to do with anything sexual. Is it possible to be comfortable in one's own skin without worrying about if it brings you romantic attention? Is it possible to just be comfortable in myself without it being a sociopolitical statement? Just actually being comfortable with ME?
I've tried to imagine what a day being comfortable in my own skin would look like.
Some days I've even looked in the mirror in the morning and thought I was pretty. That's right on the edge of equating accepting myself with attractiveness to others. That's what I want to get past. Thinking I'm pretty just because I think I'm pretty, not to be pretty for others.
The hard part is not letting societal remarks get to me. Not letting judgments of those I'm romantically attracted to get to me. This is a skill I've never acquired. So it makes trying to accept myself all the more challenging.
I used to read a great number of self-help books, and some were filled with stories of people who were also struggling with their image and body but then somehow it got to a point where everything just worked out and they became successful, found love, and cranked a self-help book.
I always reread to find the secret formula to their success. Were they really just not that ugly after all and once the love of their lives came into their life and made them realize that, then they were okay? Is that the magic formula?
I sometimes wonder what colors people's perception of the same thing? I hate short hair on myself. I try to keep my hair braided because I love long hair and I like the way it frames my face. I don't like the shape of my head and the way my hair won't shape my face at all. Others have told me I look fine with my hair short. Are we seeing the same thing? Can I just look any old way and people would be okay with it??
Makeup has been suggested to me numerous times. Though it's tempting, the maintenance looks daunting, and imagine if someone did fall in love with me — only to see what I really look like once I have to take off the makeup at the end of the day.
Tighter and more revealing clothing, plus high heels have been recommended. What am I — a model? Do I have to dress like that to feel good about myself?? I'm going to give that a no.
What equals feeling good about oneself? Is it being confident in knowing that you can attract someone you want to attract? Is it knowing that others feel like you know that you look good? Or is just something that doesn't need announcement or ceremony because its just part of you to feel indifferent or not negative towards yourself?
What makes someone ugly? The debate has been split between personality and looks. If you're beautiful with an angry or manipulative or conceited heart then you're ugly. At least your ugly to a good deal of those of the same gender. If you are ugly with a great personality, then you're ugly. People will feel sorry for you, take pity on you sometimes too but that's about it.
When I think of sensations play, I think of massages, a feather being run over the skin, fingertips over skin, fire cupping, candle wax over skin, ice cubes over skin, holding hands, I've even seen toy cars being driven over skin!
So what can sensations play give me? A chance perhaps to get my skin used to being touched? Not all touches are bad touches. Not all touches are sexual or could become sexual. To trust the feelings and sensations that my body naturally gives me instead of not. Perhaps to always like what I see in the mirror every morning. Maybe by regularly indulging in sensation play activities can I be on the path to being comfortable in my own skin, on my own terms.